I Married You at Twenty-Two

Happy Life, Happy Wife

2006-04-22T12:27:00.000-05:00

This girl is stinkin' hilarious, and she's out to show everyone just what an adventure newly-married life can be! I highly recommend Brittny's blog. :)

Interview with "You"

2006-04-22T12:06:00.000-05:00

And finally, at long last, we hear from the "You" in I Married You at Twenty-Two! He's not as long-winded as me, and maybe that's a good thing. :) In any case, here's my interview with Ryan:

1. When was your wedding day and how old were you on that day?
I was married on August the 27th of 2005. I had just turned 24.

2. Growing up, did you expect that you would marry as young as you have? (According to my sources, 24 is a younger-than-average age for men to get married.)
No. I figured that I would maybe get married by the age of about twenty-eight.

3. Did you anticipate that there would be both pros and cons to marrying young? If so, what are some examples of those pros and cons?
Not so much pros and cons but a different lifestyle. Obviously most younger people are less established, don't have much money saved, and are inexperienced in life. It gives a young couple the opportunity to grow together in good times and hard times and getting married young may contribute to both.

4. What part of marriage were you most looking forward to?
Having a best friend to live with me. Friendship.

5. What's one of your favorite things about being married?
Same thing. Having a companion.

6. Have you experienced anything in married life that you weren't expecting? If so, what is that?
Marriage is a total lifestyle change. A person just has to walk through the change. There's no way to prepare for it.

7. You and your wife (me!) both have very busy schedules. Did you anticipate that this would cause any strain on your new marriage? Has it caused strain on your marriage?
I knew that school and demanding schedules would cause strain. I think it has actually caused more strain that I first expected. My wife taking a large number of credits and working part-time, and myself starting a new job that is very demanding has been difficult. We don't spend as much time together as we should.

8. Do you have friends who are also young and newly-married or engaged? If so, does their company encourage you in any way?
No, not really. Most of my friends are not married yet.

THE END :)

Thanks for letting me interview you, Ryan! I love you, Snuggle Buggy!

Interview With ME!

2006-04-20T17:34:00.000-05:00

I know, I know...I just posted a set of interviews last week, but as I was reading over some of the answers people gave in their interviews this past weekend, I thought it'd be fun to interview me and Ryan for this blog. Ha...I know it probably seems a little goofy...conducting an interview with myself, but I thought it'd be a fun way for people to get to know me a little better...and I especially thought it'd be a fun way for people to get to know my husband better. I've been trying to bring my husband's voice to this blog for quite some time (I've tried getting him to write his own posts a couple of times, but he refuses), and he said he'd be willing to do this, so I figured I'd better jump on the opportunity. Tomorrow, you will get Ryan's interview. Today, you're stuck with mine (hehehe). Be prepared to hear some familiar questions, as I made slight variations to the questions I asked in my interviews with an engaged female and male for this interview.

1. When was your wedding day and how old were you on that day?
Saturday, August 27th, 2005. I was 22.

2. Growing up, did you expect that you would marry young as you have?
Noooo. I didn't have a boyfriend until I started dating Ryan at the end of my sophomore year in college, so growing up, I figured I wouldn't get married until I was at least in my mid-to-late twenties. My circle of friends predicted that I would be the last of the group to be married and also the last one of my sisters to be married (there are four of us). I showed them, though! I was the first of both my group of friends and my sisters to be married. :)

3. Did you anticipate that there would be both pros and cons to marrying young? If so, what are some examples of those pros and cons?
Ha. I didn't realize how funny this question really was when I wrote it -- "Did you anticipate that there would be both pros and cons to marrying young?" Of course I did! Who wouldn't? I'll save the best for last and start out with a couple cons:

Con #1. For me, being young and married means going to school while married. This has especially been a big challenge for me since I tend to go a little crazy with schoolwork and put way more work into assignments than I need to. School takes up a lot of my time, and I knew that it would conflict with the time I would be needing to spend with my husband.

Con #2. Being young, Ryan and I aren't exactly "established" in life -- we don't have well-paying full-time jobs, we don't have a lot of money saved up, we don't have decent cars... Basically, we don't have a lot of things that we would've likely had if we'd chosen to marry later in life. This lack of stability can be pretty frustrating sometimes.

Now it's time for a couple pros!

Pro #1. I actually consider Con #2 to also be a pro. Although it can be discouraging and frustrating, I think that getting married before we've really had a chance to "get goin'" in our adult lives has really brought us closer as a couple. Going through difficult times and challenges together has actually been really good for our relationship.

Pro #2. Being married while we're young allows us to have all the more years together...all the more experiences together...all the more kisses...all the more fun. :)

4. What part of marriage were you most looking forward to?
I was looking forward to having a best friend to go through life with.

5. What's one of your favorite things about being married?
Having a constant companion. Ahhh. It feels so good just to have someone who will always be there, and even when he's not (when he's at work or somewhere else), to know that he'll be back by my side soon.

6. Have you experienced anything in married life that you weren't expecting? If so, what is that?
Hum, hum, hummmm....Haha. I wrote about this just last week: I wasn't expecting Ryan to be such a slob!!! Nooo...I'm being kinda mean, aren't I? Seriously, Ryan isn't that messy -- I just expected him to be...cleaner. ;)

I also didn't expect that my love would increase for him so much...I just keep loving the guy more and more every day.

7. You and your husband both have very busy schedules. Did you anticipate that this would cause any strain on your new marriage? Has it caused strain on your marriage?

Haha. I'm addressing myself in this question. Yeah, it's pretty dorky, but I couldn't think of any other way to rephrase it!

Yeah. Ryan works a lot of 12-hour shifts and frequently has training on his days off, and I'm taking 18 upper level credits and am working part-time, so we've both got a lot on our plates right now. And yep -- you bet I anticipated that it would cause strain. It's kind of a tough deal, because I've heard it said so often that the first year of marriage is so important, and there are some stretches of time (like right now...finals are comin' up) where Ryan and I are both so busy, we hardly even feel like we're married.

*Sigh* It's tough stuff, but we're tough cookies, and we're getting through it.

8. Do you have friends who are also young and newly-married or engaged? If so, does their company encourage you in any way?

Yessss. I have all of the lovely women who visit this blog! I've also got friends like Linds who are young and newly-married, and engaged friends like my little sister and friend, Sarah. And YES. Their company encourages me BIG TIME. Not a whole lot of people marry very young these days, and it can be kind of a lonely spot to be in (if that makes sense). It's encouraging just to know there are others out there who are going through similar experiences as I am (especially the hard ones), and it's even more encouraging to be able to talk with them about those experiences.

*Sigh* I don't know what I'd do without you guys. :)

Shooting

2006-04-19T09:39:00.000-05:00

Ryan and I aren't having so many free time struggles anymore. I think the fact that it's spring-time really helps -- the warm weather and the lack of snow give us more opportunities to do things like biking, rollerblading, and playing catch. That's what we did on Monday -- we played catch. It was a lot of fun. Ryan taught me how to throw a ball correctly and how to catch it in my glove so that it wouldn't hurt my hand. (Don't laugh at me guys! I know this is really basic stuff, but I haven't played catch in years!) I think the thing I enjoyed most of all about playing catch was how it allowed for us to talk and laugh together while still getting some exercise outdoors.

We also tried out another new thing on Monday -- we went shooting together. This was a big deal for me...I'll even go so far as to call it a "milestone" in our relationship because I had been so nervous about shooting a gun. I'd always just seen guns as being so powerful and dangerous. It seemed to me that there were always accidents happening with guns -- every year, I'd hear about people accidentally shooting and killing their loved ones...and I was afraid that if I handled a gun, I would turn into one of those people. I didn't want that to happen. Also, my dad used a gun to end his life many years ago, and my husbandÂs friend did the same thing just last winter, and neither of these things helped improve my perception of guns.

Despite my worries and my past, though, I really did want to learn how to shoot. It was something Ryan had always enjoyed, and I really wanted to be able to go hunting with him and share that part of his life with him. Also, Ryan had bought me my own "starter" gun last October -- a 20-gauge single-shot -- and I'd been wanting to show him how much I appreciated the gift. So I guess it was in the name of love that I decided to take the plunge and go shoot some pop cans with him in a farmer's field Monday evening.

It took me a while to pull the trigger the first time, and when I finally did, I immediately began to cry. All these emotions came rushing at me that I didn't understand, and I didn't know what to do with them, so I just handed the gun to Ryan and went into the van and sat down. I tried to figure out what was wrong with me as I sat there -- what had caused the sudden burst of tears and the shaking. Was it because the shot had reminded me of my dad's suicide? Was it because the loud noise had frightened me? Or had the gun's hard kick just startled me? (Ryan had warned me that it would "kick like a mule.") I couldn't figure it out, so I guessed it must have just been a mixture of the three things.

Ryan came into the van and hugged me. "It's a little scary, isn't it?" he asked. I told him it was and we sat there for a few minutes, talking about what had happened. I think he figured our shooting expedition was over for the day because he looked really startled when I told him I wanted to go out there and try it again. I could've easily just told him we should pack it up and go home, but I wanted to conquer whatever it was inside of me that had made me cry, that had made me so afraid of guns, and that was trying to stop me from sharing an experience with Ryan, so I wiped away my tears and told him I wanted to give it another shot.

It went a lot better the second time around. Ryan had his arms around me the first couple of times I shot, which made me feel a lot more at ease, and I actually blasted the pop cans a few times. In the end, I wound up having so much fun that I was genuinely disappointed when it came time to leave.

...So it looks like Ryan and I have found another common interest: shooting pop cans. I'm excited to find out if that interest will evolve into hunting by next fall when all the different hunting seasons come around. Instead of just walking along and watching my husband and his brothers shoot geese and pheasants like I did last fall, maybe I'll be carrying my own gun. I guess we'll have to see...

Daddy-like Love

2006-04-18T13:53:00.000-05:00

This is something I wrote in December that I thought would be fitting for this blog. It's about the way my husband loves me. Here it is:

Daddy-like Love

I love the way it feels when my husband takes care of me. Sometimes, he dries my hair after I take a shower. Yesterday morning, he held me in his lap before he left for work. Last night, he gently placed the blankets over my feet again when he realized they were sticking out from under the covers. When I thanked him for doing it this morning, he just smiled at me and said, “Can’t let the monsters get at your feet.”

Just before I met my husband, I realized I needed to marry a man who would take care of me. That was a pretty big realization for me, because not too long ago, I envisioned a husband as someone who would fill the rolls of lover, friend, provider, protector, father to our children, and head of our household. Sure, I thought he’d be a care provider, but to our children…in the future. Not to me, unless, of course, I was sick.

For some reason, I didn’t think it was right to want him to gently brush my hair, to hold me like I was his little girl, or to tuck me into bed. It would all be too corny and mushy for him to do that stuff for me, and I’d be too old for that, wouldn’t I? If he acted like that toward me, he’d be acting like a father, and that wouldn’t be right, would it?

Deep down, I wanted it. I wanted a man who would cherish me and see me as something delicate, something precious and small. I wanted a man who would love me like a father.

I pushed those desires away, though. Part of the reason I did so was because, growing up, my mom was always saying how much she hated it when my step-dad treated her like a child. Although I now think she was referring to the times when he made her feel restricted and put down on a level lower than he was, I didn’t understand it at the time. I knew that he frequently called her “kiddo” and “sweet pea,” and I often saw him show love to her that was fatherly at times, so I thought these were the things she was talking about when she said he treated her like a child. Although I’m sure she didn’t mean for it to happen, her comments sent the message to me that wives are not to be treated like children by their husbands…not in any way whatsoever. Not even in their love.

The other part of the reason I smothered my desires was because, in many ways, I grew up not knowing a real father’s love. My dad died when I was only four years old, and sadly, I don’t remember much of our time together. Yes, I did have a step-dad for many years, and I did know that he loved me. Because he was my step-dad, though, and not my biological father – not my daddy, he didn’t offer me or my sisters that kind of love I see daddies giving their daughters. He didn’t put flowers in my hair, he didn’t kiss me goodnight, and he didn’t dry me off in a big fuzzy towel after giving me bubble baths. I’m actually glad he didn’t do some of those things, because I was already out of my toddlerhood when he and my mom married, and I didn’t really know him that well at first. You see, I’m not blaming my step-dad for not offering me more examples of this kind of fatherly love; I’m simply saying that I didn’t get it really get it from him.

So I thought I missed the train. I thought, too bad for me. Some people get to experience this type of love on Earth and some people don’t. I guess I’m just one of those who don’t. Sure, I knew I could experience this love from God, my heavenly father, but from my husband? A husband has a different title than a father for a reason, I thought. They perform different roles. They provide different kinds of love.

As I often do, I held even the idea of experiencing such a blessing far from myself. Even though my heart beat faster and my eyes filled with tears of longing at the mere thought of it all, it just seemed too good to be true. Yes, I knew I would marry a man, but I didn’t expect to receive the love I’ve never experienced from him. It wasn’t his place or his responsibility.

Somehow, though, through months of dating the man who would become my husband, and through experiencing life with him as my husband, God has proven those past notions wrong, wrong, and wrong again. He’s helped me to understand that it’s okay, and better yet – good, for me to accept this kind of love from my husband. I didn’t even ask my husband to love me this way, he simply did, and it feels so amazing and so right.

I can only hope that all women get to feel this kind of love from their husbands.

Heads Up

2006-04-17T14:09:00.000-05:00

I'll only be keeping this blog for another week...or at least I won't be posting to this blog so frequently after this week. I could keep bringing up issues that newlyweds commonly confront(like finances, problems with in-laws, etc.) in my posts, but I'm finding that there are only so many issues to be written about. And I could continue on posting about me and Ryan's day-to-day experiences as a newly-married couple, but interesting "blog-worthy" things don't happen every day, and I don't want to force it. I guess I can only keep posting on the same topic for so long, and that's okay.

I've loved keeping this blog and have really appreciated all of the comments and feedback it's been given, but I think it's time to bring this blog to a close, or at least to slow down the pace of my postings. (After this week is over, I may pop in and post every now and then. We'll see.)

I want to thank all of you who've read and commented for making I Married You at Twenty-Two an interactive blog -- it's been a lot of fun and I've loved getting to know some of you through the experience.

So that's that...be sure to keep reading for another week, though ! I plan on making a few more posts before Friday. ;)

Cheers!

Interview with Benny Boo

2006-04-13T12:52:00.000-05:00

And...(drumroll please) here we have a brief interview with Lindsay's other half! (I didn't ask him as many questions 'cuz he's a busy guy.) Ben's a delightful chap, but he sure didn't have much to say! And that's okay. We still love him anyway. (I don't know what the deal with me and rhyming is lately).

Loni: What’s one thing you’ve experienced as a newly married person that you weren’t expecting?

Ben: I can't really think of anything that's happened so far that I wasn't expecting.

Loni: What’s your favorite thing about being married?

Ben: Not having to cook anymore. (I won't get in trouble for saying that, will I?)

Loni: What’s something that’s been difficult for you to get used to?

Ben: Lindsay is a night person and I'm a morning person.

Thanks Ben! Come again!
(I really hope I get off this rhyming kick soon...)

Pet Names

2006-04-13T10:20:00.000-05:00

These are some of the "pet names" Ryan's had for me throughout our relationship:

Bundt (as in bundt cake)
Little Baby Bundting (which evolved from "Bundt")
Dream Girl
Sweets
Huns
Turkey
Meme (this was inspired by Beaker from Sesame Street because "mememememe" is the only thing he can say.)
Little Meme
Lon
Lan
Lancaster
Muffin (he calls me this when my head's full of curlers)
Snuggle Buggy
Friend Owl (Yup...weird...I think he got if from Winnie the Pooh.)

What are some of the names your husband or loved ones call you?

Interview with Lindsay

2006-04-12T16:40:00.000-05:00

Guess what time it is!!!! No, it's not just spring-time, and no it's not just the end of the semester, but it's also time for this blog to feature another interview! Woo hoo!

In this interview, we hear from Lindsay, a fellow newly-married blogger (and great friend of mine!) on the perks of marrying young, what it's like to have a hubby in the Coast Guard, the responsibility of managing a household, and much more!

Loni: Growing up, did you expect to marry as young as you have?
(Lindsay married at 21.)

Lindsay: I didn’t think about it much when I was really young. I first remember thinking about it in high school…and I made a sort of plan. I decided that I would go to college and meet a guy my freshman year and we would become friends. Then we would date during my sophomore and junior years, and be engaged for my senior year so we could (of course!) get married right after graduation in May 2006. I had it all planned out, to marry at 22. But it didn’t go exactly that way, and I’m glad. But I’m also glad that I stuck to the “plan” of graduating before getting married.

Loni: Do you see both pros and cons to your decision to marry young? If so, what are some of them?

Lindsay: I see mostly pros for me, but I know it doesn’t apply to everyone. A lot of the “big” things I wanted out of life (travel and education being the main ones) I did a lot of before getting married, despite my young age. There are still a lot of things I want to do/see/experience, but they aren’t things I want to do alone anymore.

I think an advantage to marrying young is that the person and his/her spouse truly build a life together – whereas people who marry when they’re older have to “rebuild” the way they’ve gotten used to doing things, if that makes sense. However, people who marry older often have a significant “maturity” advantage – life experience.

Loni: What’s one thing you’ve experienced as a newly married person that you weren’t expecting?

Lindsay: There haven’t been a lot of holy cow!! moments so far. I think Ben and I did a good job preparing.

As dumb as it sounds to say this, I guess my answer is that I didn’t expect it to be this good. We’ve settled in together well, are learning to communicate well, are in a decent place financially…all of that. Maybe I’ll have a more profound answer to this question in another 6 months.

Loni: What are some of your general feelings about having a husband in the Coast Guard?

Lindsay: In the short time that I’ve been married to Ben and have been interacting with other Coastie spouses, I’ve realized that it’s all about a person’s attitude. I’ve already met my fair share of Coast Guard wives who hate Alaska, hate not having a place to shop, hate how the government “screws” them, hate this and that. But you know what? They knew what they were getting into when they married a Coastie. They knew about deployments, they knew about salaries, they knew about the possibility of (gasp!) Alaska.

Coast Guard spouses actually have it pretty easy compared to other military spouses – Coasties are rarely sent overseas, and deployments are, at most, a month at a time. Ben is home more than some businessmen are. I think I have nothing to complain about.

Loni: Do you feel your husband’s job and your location in Alaska put any stress on your marriage?

Lindsay: Not at all. We might even request to stay here longer.

Loni: What’s your favorite thing about being married?

Lindsay: Having somebody close. Close to my thoughts and heart, close to my body – closer than any other human is allowed to be. There’s something indescribably nice about that.

Loni: What’s something that’s been difficult for you to get used to?

Lindsay: Probably just the responsibility of managing a household – thinking ahead about dinner, keeping up together with the checkbook, vacuuming a dirty floor that I swear I just vacuumed. It’s piddly stuff but when you put it all together, it’s a mindful compared to the comings and goings of a single college student.

Thanks for the interview, Lindsay Loo!

Stay tuned to get Ben's answers to a similar set of questions. (Why am I talking like a talk show host?) :)

Honey

2006-04-11T14:11:00.000-05:00

Something happened this weekend that's been bothering me. Well, actually a few things happened.

It all started at my sister-in-law's bridal shower on Friday night. I didn't know many people there, which made me feel a little nervous and uncomfortable, but on the whole, everything was going okay. That is, everything was going okay until my mother-in-law unleashed the word on me: honey. She called me honey. She'd never really done that before.

I'll admit that at first, it actually felt kinda nice to have her address me in such a way. "Honey" felt like a term of endearment, and it made me feel like I was finally transforming from "daughter-in-law" to simply "daughter" in her eyes -- like I was really becoming a part of her family. Unfortunately, this feeling only lasted for a little while. After about the fourth or fifth "honey," I had had enough. The term quickly changed from sounding endearing to sounding condescending. I didn't like it. Perhaps I was wrong, and perhaps my ears were deceiving me, but that tone in her voice seemed to take on more and more of a patronizing quality as the night wore on. I no longer felt that being called "honey" signified that I was a cherished member of her family, but that she saw me as a child.

It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't kept calling me that. "Oh honey, you're jacket keeps slipping off the chair," she'd say or, "Honey, you know you can leave if you want." Honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey!!!! It was starting to drive me up the wall. And it was really starting to embarrass me, too. Not in the way a child feels embarrassed when her mother calls her cutesy things in front of her friends, but in the way an adult feels when someone is challenging her maturity.

It got worse. When we were loading my sister-in-law's gifts into the trunk of a car at the end of the night, and I said something about how we probably weren't going to be able to fit many gifts in there, my mother-in-law giggled, turned to me and said, "Oh honey, that was really cute!" She was talking about what I had just said -- the way I had said it or something like that. It wouldn't have been so bad if there weren't other women standing around us at the time, but there were. I felt humiliated.

So that's what happened at the shower. I tried to tell myself that her behavior there had just been a fluke -- that being around a bunch of other women had caused her to feel the need to show off (women do get competitive with each other, after all). I told myself that, like the kid who makes himself feel smarter by telling other kids they're stupid, she was making herself feel older and wiser in front of the other women by making me feel like a little kid. It seemed logical. Entirely possible. So I told myself to relax and forget about it, that the whole thing wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it out to be.

But then something happened at her house the next day that made me realize that this really was becoming an issue. We were all sitting around the dinner table when she asked me if I'd like some coffee. I was a bit surprised by this question, because I thought she knew I didn't like coffee. "No thank you," I answered, "I don't drink coffee."

And you know what her response to me was?

"Oh yes. Not yet."

Oh yes not yet in an absent-minded tone that, to me, said "oh yeah, you're not old enough yet."

Maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion, but this whole deal is really getting to me. I love my mother-in-law, and I know she'd never purposely do something to make me feel stupid or belittled (if she were to read this, it'd probably break her heart because I know she intends no harm for me), but this is just urking me. If things get to the point where I just can't take it anymore, I know the "Dear Abby" solution would be to sit down and gently, tactfully make her aware of the way she's making me feel, but (thank goodness) things haven't gotten that bad yet. (And I don't expect that they will.)

Is there anyone reading this who can relate? Have you had issues like this with your in-laws? Feel free to vent to me. (That rhymed!)

Compromising with a So-Called Mr. Clean

2006-04-10T06:45:00.000-05:00

While we were dating, Ryan told me he liked to clean. He was working part-time as a janitor's assistant for his dorm building at the time, and he always mopped the floors with such fervor and took out the garbages with such gusto that I believed him. He looked something like a real-life Mr. Clean as he pushed around his janitor's cart because he always wore white t-shirts and jeans and had bright blue eyes, buzzed hair, and large, flexed biceps. (He looked just like this guy, minus the white eyebrows and hoop earring.) Looking back, I think this uncanny resemblance caused me to unconsciously associate my sweetheart with spotless floors and squeaky-clean surroundings.

I think I got deceived.

Ryan's not a total pig or anything, but the way he could care less if our bed stayed unmade all day, throws his clothes on the floor instead of hanging them back up or putting them in the laundry basket, leaves his junk-mail lying around the house until I ask him if he needs it, and puts the dishes in the sink instead of directly into the dishwasher tells me this guy isn't as much as a neat freak as he originally claimed. "I really like to clean," he said. Ha!

Or maybe I haven't been deceived. Maybe Ryan really does like to clean -- just not that often. Maybe that's it, 'cuz the guy really doesn't seem to mind accompanying me on a cleaning rampage every now and then. He's just not as much as a clean-as-you-go type of guy that I guessed he would be.

I'm a big fan of the clean-as-you-go method. Unlike my darling husband, when I get home from trips, I like to empty the suitcases as soon as I get home. Unlike my husband, I have a problem with letting all our stuff sit there and fester in our bags for a couple of weeks.

I like to get things done right away. I like to get that to-do list out of the way, to get it out of sight and out of mind. I guess I'm not just referring to cleaning responsibilities, either. I'm referring to stuff like that stack of thank-yous sitting on the floor of our spare bedroom. All those little envelopes require are some stamps in their upper right corners, and then they can be sent out. I say that we should just spend the money on a bunch of stamps and get 'em all out there at once, but Ryan thinks we should do it more gradually, more slowly. "We'll just send a few out at a time," he says.

I say to heck with that method. I say, "Let's get this done! Pronto. Now!" Maybe I need to loosen up a little. But maybe Ryan needs to buckle down more. Maybe we need a little bit of both.

Compromise. Yeah, I know that's the ticket. Everyone (like this person) always talks about how it's key to a good marriage, and I agree whole-heartedly. I guess Ryan and I just haven't had to do a whole lot of compromising yet, 'cuz up until this point in our marriage, we've just let things slide. I've always crinkled my nose at dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor, but I've never gotten fed up enough to point it out and say, "This needs to change. What are we gonna do about it?" But I guess that time has come. I guess it's time to step up our working-together skills and to start letting go of old habits in the name of love.

This should be an adventure.

A Little More on Holidays

2006-04-07T15:58:00.000-05:00

Happy Friday everyone!
(Fridays are kinda like holiday, aren't they?)

I found an article called Five Conversations to Have With Your Spouse Before the Holidays. It's not directed specifically at newlyweds, but it kind of goes along with the last post I made in that it offers advice on how to handle the classic where-to-spend-the-holidays question (With the husband's family or with the wife's?) .

According to Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller, authors of Couple Talk, "arriving at a set of mutual expectations for this special time of year takes a willingness to alternately talk and listen until consensus is achieved."

Very true.

They also say that you and your spouse should:

"Come to an agreement on how you want to handle the in-laws before they call you. Create your plan and propose it to the in-laws rather than being forced to react to their proposal. By discussing plans for how to deal with in-laws (both sets) prior to the holidays, you become proactive rather than reactive.

Keep in mind that you will not be able to make everyone happy. If you attempt to meet everyone's needs, you will over schedule and create stress for yourself...Focus on [you and your spouse's] needs, and celebrate the holidays with your in-laws and other relatives in ways that work for you."

I think it's pretty good advice, especially the part about remembering that you can't make everyone happy. That's why I put it in bold print. :)

The Holiday Post

2006-04-06T09:51:00.000-05:00

Someone recently suggested that I make some posts about holidays on this blog. It was a great idea, because holidays can be such a hot topic for newlyweds. It can spur that classic discussion between a new husband and wife about where they'll be spending their holidays -- about which ones they'll be spending with the husband's side of the family and which ones they'll be spending with the wife's. I've heard horror stories about couples shedding tears over this issue, about them arguing 'til they were blue in the face, about mother-in-laws getting involved in the debate, etc. Needless to say, it seems this stuff can get pretty hairy for some couples.

But this hasn't really been a huge issue for me and Ryan. The first "holiday" we spent together was Halloween, and we didn't really need to visit family for that, so we just got a big ole' pumpkin from the grocery store, carved it together, and put it on his parents' front steps (they live in a nearby town). For holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter, Ryan had actually been thinking that we'd just spend'm all at my mom's house. All of them. When I asked him why the heck he'd been thinking that, he answered, "Well, I just assumed that we'd be spending the major holidays at your mom's since we live so close to my parents and we'll be seeing them all the time anyway." It was really sweet of him to be thinking that way, but there was no way I was gonna go along with his plan. It actually frightened me a little. I knew it'd probably make his family pret-ty darn upset if we snubbed them every holiday of the year, and although it would've been Ryan's idea if we did it, I worried that in the back of their minds, they'd be blaming me. I couldn't let that happen.

"Ryan," I said, "that's very generous of you, but we can't do that to your mom! She's gonna want you around on some of those holidays."

"She won't care," he replied.

"Ha! She won't care? Of course she will! And what about the rest of your family? What about your brothers? They'll wanna share some holidays with you."

"Nope," he said, "They won't care. I know they won't, because I already told them that that's what we're doing."

(This is where I started to feel a little queasy.) "You already told them that what's what we're doing?" "That we're going to your mom's for all the holidays."

Man! As sweet and sincere as Ryan was being at the time, I wanted to slap him upside the head. I was pretty dang concerned with the way his family viewed me at the time (probably more-so than I needed to be), and I knew that his telling them such a thing wasn't helping me any. The next time I saw his mom, I set things straight: I told her we'd be spending Thanksgiving with them, and Christmas with my family.

We did wind up getting to spend Thanksgiving with his family, and I had a good time, but I wound up going alone to my mom's house for Christmas because Ryan had just gotten a new job and had to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I was really glad to be going "home" over Christmas, but it was really weird not having Ryan around. And I got all paranoid when I went to church for the Christmas Eve service and imagined people thinking that Ryan and I had split up or something. (I know they were ridiculous thoughts, but I still had them.)

For New Year's Eve, we went to Lindsay and Ben's cool night wedding (I was a personal attendant/reception singer and Ryan was an usher). As a matter of fact, here's a picture of us on that night:

Aren't we scary? They had a photo booth at their reception so people could clip off a picture of themselves and paste it next to their guestbook signatures.

This post is getting to be mondo long. Now let's see...I already wrote about Valentine's Day in a previous post on this blog, and Easter hasn't happened yet, so I can't exactly write about it yet. What I can say, though, is that Ryan's going to be working Easter Sunday (why do they always have to make the newbies work the holidays?), and the vehicle I drive isn't reliable enough to make the 5-hour trip to my mom's, so I'm probably gonna be spending the holiday with his family. Just me and his fam. No Ryan. I don't think that's ever happened before.

This should be interesting. I think it'll be good, though.

Hiding

2006-04-05T10:30:00.000-05:00

"Women are beautiful, every single one of us. It is one of the glorious ways that we bear the image of God. But few of us believe we are beautiful, and fewer still are comfortable with it. We either think we don't have any beauty or if we do, that it's dangerous and bad. So we hide our beauty behind [things like] extra weight and layers of unnecessary makeup. Or we neutralize our beauty by putting up protective, defensive walls that warn others to keep their distance" (74).

"So many [women learn] something like this. Hide you vulnerability. Hide your heart. You aren't safe" (66).

(Quotes taken from: Eldredge, John & Stasi. Captivating. Nashville, Tennessee: Nelson Books, 2005.)

I wish I could be more like Ryan. He's always been so open in his love for me, so unafraid to bare his heart for me. He effortlessly shares his talents with me, he's completely himself around me, and he's not afraid of embarrassing himself in front of me. He trusts me.

I'm not so vulnerable. I wish I was, but I'm not. Even though I'm married and some would think that would magically make me 100% open with him, I'm not. I still put a guard up -- a wall -- between my heart and his. I'll allow him to give, give, give of himself, but I don't give much back. I tell him I love him numerous times throughout the day, and I do little things to show him I love him, like putting away the dishes, making our bed, doing the laundry, and going to dirt-track races with him, but I know it's not enough.

There are still parts of me that hide themselves from Ryan - beautiful, vibrant parts. These are the parts that were made to shine, that were made to be shared, and yet I hide them. These are the kind of parts, that if I showed them to him, he would really know that I loved him, because they aren't easy parts to share.

For example, I love to sing. I always have. People have encouraged me for it, and they've told me they've been blessed by my singing. And yet I withhold that blessing from Ryan. I withhold that part of my heart, that gift. I'll sing loud as heck when I'm driving to school or alone in the apartment, and I'll sing along with the worship team at church without blinking twice, but I won't sing for Ryan. Like I said, I love singing, and I don't think there's anything I'd rather do with my life than to bring glory to God with my voice, but I won't sing for Ryan. I'll sing in front of my family, I'll sing in front of my friends, and I'll even sing in front of strangers, but I won't sing in front of Ryan.

What a slap in the face.

I wish I could give more freely of myself and my heart to Ryan, but for some reason, it's so difficult. I wish I could come home and unashamedly share my writings from the day with him, I wish I could let down my guard and slow dance with him in the living room whenever he invites me to, and I wish I could take more risks with my tense, tense heart with him, but something seems to be holding me back.

I think it's fear. Fear of being laughed at, fear of being told I'm not all I was cracked up to be, fear of being rejected, fear of being hurt.

I think a lot of women struggle with this. One of my friends has been with her boyfriend for almost a year now, and she still has a heck of a time sharing her awesome sense of humor with him. She hides it. I've also got a friend who's recently gotten married and who admits to the fact that she's still struggling with completely being herself with her husband.

So I guess many of us hide, but I don't want to anymore. I see the way Ryan's so open in his love for me - the way he jumps into this relationship with both feet, and then I look at my own tight-fisted heart, and the disparity between the two just kills me.

I don't know how long it's gonna take or how hard it's gonna be, but I thinks it's time for a change. It's time for a more balanced give-and-take.

I wanna let my guard down.

Something to be Proud of

2006-04-04T21:18:00.000-05:00

A Bosnian co-worker of mine said something really encouraging to me today while we were sorting accessories at the warehouse. We were sharing some get-to-know-you talk about our lives, and when I told her I was married, she got this impressed look on her face and said, "This is something you should be proud of." This response caught me off guard at first, because when most people find out I'm married, they either smile and politely ask me about my husband or they give me a raised eyebrow and ask how old I am. They never say something like, "This is something you should be proud of." It completely threw me off, and I must have looked confused, because she explained, "Marriage is a big thing. You have to learn to immerse yourself in another person's life. It's a big change, and if you're capable of that kind of change, you should be proud of yourself."

I've had people tell me it's cool that I'm married, I've had them tell me it's weird that I'm married, and I've had them tell me it's fun that I'm married, but I've never had someone pat me on the back and tell me "good job" for being married. It felt pretty nice.

Pets

2006-04-03T14:43:00.000-05:00

Pets never did well in the home I grew up in.

Okay...maybe I'm sugar-coating this a little -- pets died in the home I grew up in. And they didn't just die of old age or because their "time" had come.

We sorta killed them. Of course, we didn't do it intentionally. What I mean is, well...when Mom accidentally started the drier up with my sister's kitten, Beans, in it last summer, she wasn't trying to get rid of the poor thing. She wasn't trying to roast helpless little Beans, or to make her break her neck or lose her fur as she went around and around and around and around with the morning laundry. And when my little sister, Dexi, hooked our Yorkshire Terrier's leash up to the flag holder on our house and left him there, she didn't know that the dog was gonna jump off the front steps and not be able to reach the ground. She didn't know that the dang dog was gonna hang itself.

I don't believe in curses, but there's something a little kooky going on when it comes to my family and pets. After that little kitty got killed in the drier, we replaced it with a Calico named Pedro for a while. After having Pedro around for a couple of weeks, though, my sister decided that he simply couldn't compare to Beans (Beans was a great cat), and she gave him back to his former owner. Know what happened to little Pedro not even a month after she gave him back? His owner ran over him when he was backing out of the garage.

Is every pet that passes through the hands of my family doomed to suffer an early death? Does this mean that any pets I have with my new husband are gonna kick the bucket prematurely?

I'm asking this because Ryan and I are officially pet-owners now. About a month and a half ago, we put seven new fish into the aquarium my mom gave us for Christmas -- 2 male fancy guppies, 3 tiger barbs, and 2 glass fish (those ones are really weird...you can see right through them).

Two of them have already died. *Gasp!*

I don't know what the deal is. We've pampered those things. We put a little castle in the tank, we gave them plants to swim through, we always give them the right amount of food... *Sigh.* Maybe they just don't like us. Maybe they decided they'd better die before I did something stupid to them, like...I dunno...accidentally dumping Drain-o into the tank while sleepwalking.

Good thing we started small and got fish for our first pets. (We kind of had to start with fish because the only other pet we'd want around would be a dog, and we're not allowed to have dogs in our apartment. We could've gotten a bird, but birds can get pretty dang annoying -- trust me...the old lady below us has a couple of birds, and we can hear them clear as day every day. We also could've gotten a cat, but we didn't want to do that 'cuz the people who lived in our apartment before us had a cat, and it wee-weed all over the carpet. We could smell it for months after we moved in, even after we shampooed and re-sharmpooed the carpet. We didn't want to run the risk of getting a cat that would also wee-wee everywhere and cause the next renters the same kind of grief we had.)

Well, anyway, like I was saying, good thing we started out small with our first pets. Otherwise, instead of just a couple dead fish, we may have already had a dead cat or dog on our hands. For some reason, it seems so much more tragic when an animal with fur and claws dies.

(Note: Because a lot of people who have just finished reading this may not know me that well and can't tell when I'm being goofy, I feel inclined to say right now that this is me being goofy. Everything in the post is true, but I really think Ryan and I will be fine caretakers of our future pets.)

Hunters, Not Hinters

2006-03-31T08:57:00.000-06:00

"What is it about us lady-creatures that makes us expect to be effortlessly interpreted [by our husbands]? That makes us believe subtlety should be enough and they should just know what we need, and how and when?"

Lindsay asked this question in her recent guest posting entitled mind-reading. Although I admitted that the answer to that question remained a mystery to me as well in my own Mind-Reading post, I've found an article written by someone who does have an answer!

Here's just a few of the things Lysa TerKeuerst has to say in her article Husbands are Hunter, Not Hinters:

"Hints are a way for a wife to tell her husband something without coming out and saying it. Why would she want to do that? Because if she comes right out and says it, it ruins the outcome she desires. For example if your wife says to you, "I'm a little stressed out about Thursday. I've got a doctor's appointment, and I can't find anyone to watch Suzie." You might react by suggesting a few people she should ask or by telling her to reschedule. But what she's hinting to you is, "Will you take a late lunch and watch Suzie for me while I go to the doctor on Thursday?" What she wants to know is, in a bind, are you willing to go the extra mile for her? "

"What I've come to realize is that husbands are hunters, not hinters. Men process things differently than women do. They hear a problem and instantly they hunt for a solution, shoot the idea our way, and check it off their list. They like quick, non-emotional solutions. Women, [on the other hand], are all about emotion. Behind many of the requests we hint about, there are underlying requests being made such as, "Show me you care," "Show me I'm special," or "Show me that you think of me during your day." We see our requests as relationship-building opportunities."

Hmmmm. Pretty interesting stuff, eh? If you'd like to read her entire article and find out some of her suggestions for overcoming this common communication problem between husbands and wives, click on this link: Husbands are Hunters, Not Hinters.

Confession

2006-03-28T23:27:00.000-06:00

Did your mom used to spot zits and blackheads on your adolescent face and pop them? Did she ever pluck stray hairs between your eyebrows because you didn't take the time to pluck them and they were just bugging the heck out of her?

C'mon. You can admit it.

Here's my confession: I do those things to my husband now.

Ha!

Finances: Our Story

2006-03-28T15:12:00.000-06:00

A college-age blogger, Dee, recently started a new xanga page (which is like a blog) where she posts about "the ups and downs" she's experiencing in her life as she transitions from dating to marriage (sounds similar to my blog description, doesn't it?). In her first post, she further described the page by saying, "these are simply my thoughts as a young 20-something year old who hopes to [one day soon] be married!"

I thought her second post, entitled "Finances," posed an interesting question that I'd like to use as a prompt for this post. Before I begin typing away, though, I'm gonna give you the link to her post, and, because some people don't like clicking on links, I'll also copy and paste her words below:

"Something I've always wondered was how young couples manage to afford to get married. At the Christian college I attend there are so many students (probably in their early 20's) who are married to other students. I've always wondered how they manage, money-wise. Considering I'm a full-time student and my only part time jobs are baby-sitting and tutoring, I'd be more of a debt to my future spouse than an asset.

Does $$ play a big role in whether or not couples get married?

Anyhow, I'm just wondering how young couples manage financially. I think that's one of the BIG reasons why my boyfriend and I are still living with our parents. He has a good full time job, but I'm a student (and will be for another few more years).

Well, I guess it'll just give me time to spruce up on my money saving skills!!"

I'm not going to attempt to answer her question, because I am in no way an expert on finances or marriage, but I am going to tell my story. Here goes:

Although I'm sure it does for some people, money didn't play a large role in whether Ryan and I got married. This probably sounds horrible, but when we first got married, I didn't have a job because I'd just moved to a new place and needed time to set up our apartment and get adjusted, and you know what Ryan did for a job? Landscaping. That was it. Our only source of income during our first couple months of marriage came from a landscaping business, which, let me tell you, wasn't a very big source.

Needless to say, money was extremely tight right at the get-go. Know where all of our wedding gift money went? We sure didn't use it to buy furniture or cute things for our apartment (which I would've loved!); we used it on bills, food, and all of the many lovely costs of living. We never regretted getting married when we did, though, because we knew in our hearts that we were married at the right time, and although things looked a little bleak on the surface, we trusted that the Lord would take care of us.

And He did. Eventually, I got a job working full-time hours at a warehouse for a popular clothingline (this was during the fall semester, which I took off from school). It wasn't a very glamorous job, but it helped to pay the bills. And in December, Ryan got to put his college degree to good use, because he started working as a correctional officer for the jail.

I'm not gonna lie -- money's still a little tight at times, and it has been especially since I've gone back to school and have been unable to work full-time. And I'll be honest, the vehicles we drive are less-than-perfect (if you've read my posts about my van, you know exactly what I'm talking about), our apartment could be nicer and better furnished, and we could be wearing more fashionable and "in-season" clothes. In spite of all these things, though, Ryan and I are getting by just fine. We're able to pay the bills, we get food on the table...

You know what? When I think about it, we're actually doing better than fine. Although we may be a little on the "poor" side right now, we're finding that the "hardships" (financial, emotional, etc.) we experience as a new married couple are actually helping us to grow stronger together. Overcoming struggles together has not only been a kind of adventure for us, but it's also taught us to work as a team. It's gotten us down on our knees praying together, it's gotten us to put our brains together to come up with solutions to problems, it's gotten us crying together and laughing together, and most importantly, it's helped to build a strong foundation for our marriage that will last for years to come. This may sound crazy to some, but I would have our first year of marriage go no other way than it has.

...So that's a nutshell version of our story. I'm not trying to tell everyone to do things the same way Ryan and I did ('cuz I know some of you probably think we're nuts), or to have the same outlook on finances as us -- I just felt like sharing my own personal story. With that said, I hope you've enjoyed getting a closer peek into our lives as newlyweds. If there are any married readers out there who would like to tackle Dee's question, or who would like to share their own personal story, feel free!

Some Current Stuff

2006-03-28T14:03:00.000-06:00

I feel like writing a post about a few things that are currently going on in my life right now and that are taking up a lot of space in my thoughts. Here they are:

Thing #1: The van situation.

In my recent Van Update post, I mentioned that Ryan's talented and thoughtful little brother, Blake, got our big brown van back into driving condition. Well, I'm back to driving the big lug now, and I'm super thankful, but you know what? When I put my foot down on the brake, it makes this noise it didn't make before it "died" and was resurrected by Blake's mechanical skills. As long as my foot's pressed down on it, it makes this long, hissing sound, like someone's letting air out of an inflatable raft. I know it's not Blake's fault, because he didn't even touch that area of the van while he was working on it.

Weird.

Oh yeah, and the van's even louder than it was before...I used to be able to hear the thing rumbling down the street from two blocks away when I was inside my apartment. And now it's even louder. Man oh man, it can be embarrassing driving that thing at times (I sometimes wonder if it's illegal for a vehicle to be that loud), but at least I've got something to get me from place to place now.

Thing #2: The Scriptwriting situation.

When MSUM's Fall 2006 course schedule came out last week, I got a little flustered. I had been planning on graduating after next fall, but after looking at the schedule, I noticed that a course I needed to take before graduating (Scriptwriting II) wasn't being offered that semester. At first, I figured, no worries. Since the Fargo/Moorhead area has a tri-college system, I can still check and see if Concordia or NDSU are offering the course this coming summer or fall. So I checked the course schedules for the coming summer and fall semesters of all three colleges, and to my horror, discovered that none of them were offering this much-needed course.

So what did I do? I made myself stop worrying and start praying. I also met with my MSUM advisor, and he informed me that, although Scriptwriting II would not be offered at the undergraduate level next fall, that there was going to be a Playwriting/Screenwriting course offered at the master's level that could serve as a substitute for Scriptwriting II. He told me that he'd talk with the professor of that class and see if he'd have compassion on me and let me in.

So...I may be taking a master's level course next fall even though I'm still a lowly undergraduate. And know what's even scarier? The professor used to be a successful director, so I'm guessing he'll have high expectations for his students. Don don donnnnnnnn!!!!!!!

Yeah...I'm a little intimidated, but also extremely thankful and relieved. Besides, I should probably take it as a positive thing that this professor really knows what he's talking about, 'cuz that'll probably mean I'll learn more from the class.

Thing #3: The summer job situation.

While I was working at the warehouse today, the floor manager came up to me and asked me whether I'd be working there through the summer. I told him I wasn't sure yet, and that I'd have to get back to him, and he told me that I needed to let him know ASAP because the boss needed to know how many people he'd be needing to hire.

I don't really want to work in the warehouse this summer, because I hear it gets all hot and humid in there, and the days can get really long and boring. I was hoping to snag a job that'd allow me to work outdoors, like planting flowers for the city or even standing on the highway and holding signs for the department of transportation (I just wanna be outside!). I haven't applied for anything yet, though, and the boss wants an answer from me, so I guess I'd better get crackin', eh?

Free Time Struggles

2006-03-27T08:41:00.000-06:00

Ryan and I have pretty busy schedules right now, with work and school, and we really value each and every moment we have to spend together. The problem is, though, that when we finally find ourselves with free time together, we don't know how to spend it.

This has been an issue ever since we married last August. Sure, we have things in common -- we love being outdoors, we love getting our exercise, we love helping people, we love learning about the Lord, etc. I don't know if it's just that we don't have enough in common, if the city we're in doesn't accommodate our tastes in recreation and entertainment, if we can't afford to do the things we'd like to, or if we simply haven't tried hard enough to discover things that we both enjoy doing, but we're having a heck of a time finding activities that we both enjoy. It's probably a mixture of these things.

Ryan's pretty much what people call a "man's man," so he enjoys things like hunting, fishing, working on cars, watching dirt track races, working hard, and chopping down trees. As a matter of fact, we went into the woods this past weekend with a couple other guys to fetch some trees for a bonfire. The guys cut the trees down with bow saws and axes, and I helped drag the wood into a pile. It was all right, but not exactly my idea of a great time since the guys were having conversations that I couldn't really relate to or take part in, so I sat on the trunk of a fallen tree most of the time and talked on my cell phone.

Maybe that's part of the problem -- maybe it's just that we do a lot of stuff with guys (since Ryan's brother and friends live nearby), and although I like the guys and don't mind having them around, I can't really relate to the things they like to talk about. Actually, now that I think about it, I know that's part of the problem, because I usually enjoy the things we do with his brothers and friends (like hunting, being in the woods, and making fires) , but I get bored doing them, because most often (and I'm not exaggerating), the guys wind up talking about things that I know nothing about, like motors and other car parts, race car drivers, memories of past experiences they've had together, and hunting and fishing gear.

Yeah -- that's definitely part of the problem. I know there are other things that add to it, too, though. For example, we both love working out, and we would get memberships somewhere together, but it's not really practical for us to do that right now (memberships can be spendy), since I already automatically have a membership at the University's Rec. Center, and Ryan has the workout room in the jail at his disposal.

I don't know...this is just an interesting point in our lives, and I guess we'll just have to be creative and keep on trying out new stuff to overcome this obstacle. We'll also need to keep on showing each other sacrificial love by taking part in activities we may not especially like, but that we know the other would enjoy (like Ryan hanging out in the boring food court of the mall while I go shopping, or like me hanging out in his parent's cold garage while Ryan changes oil). I guess it's all just a part of the process of growing together. It can be frustrating at times, but it's also an adventure.

While surfing the net for some ideas for activities that husbands and wives can do together, I found the following article. If anyone else out there is having the same issue Ryan and I are, or if you'd just like a couple more ideas for fun stuff to do with your spouse, go on and check it out:

The Perfect Vacation -- don't leave home this weekend, just grab your mate and make the most of your time together.

(My favorite item on the article's list is #3. I love picnics!)

Enjoy!

My Own Comments on Mind-Reading

2006-03-25T15:20:00.000-06:00

"Mindreading." It's stuff like this that helps me understand why I'm always hearing men complain that they simply don't "get" women. I'm not trying to make fun of Lindsay or anything -- I'm agreeing with her. Hoooo-wee! Do I know what she's talkin' about, and what that woman from Sunday School was talkin' about!

I was pretty bad with this mindreading stuff at first. Pret-ty dang bad. Especially since I grew up in a household full of women where it was normal for thoughts and feelings to be transmitted through the narrowing of eyes, quick turns of the head, and deep sighs. A person didn't have to come out and say, "This is really bothering me," to let the other know something was wrong. All they had to do was look at them a certain way, walk a certain way, or make a noise, and the other person would get that something wasn't right. A conversation about the problem would eventually occur, but usually not until after a number of hints were dropped and received.

The first couple of months after Ryan and I got married, I stupidly thought I could communicate with him this same way. If Ryan did something to tick me off and I wanted to let him know it, I'd sit and stare at him for a really long time, and when he'd finally look up at me, I'd quickly turn my head or roll my eyes. I realize it was really immature of me, but, like Lindsay and many other women out there, I thought it would work. I thought it'd be enough to make it suddenly dawn on him exactly what it was I was upset about. Most times, he'd figure out pretty quickly that something was wrong, and he'd even ask me, "What's wrong, honey? Why are you looking at me like that? What did I do?", but I'd just continue to glare at him, expecting that just one more minute of hard-staring or heavy sighing would help him to get it. I was merciless with the man. This back-and-forth of "what's wrongs?" and hard stares would go on for nearly an hour sometimes, and it would usually end with his head in his hands and me sighing and going, "I can't believe you don't know what's wrong. You don't get it? Okay, this is what's wrong..."

Yeah. It all makes me sound like a big meanie, but I'm not. I'm not a mean person or a wife who loves to torture her husband. When I first got married, I was just so used to communicating my feelings with other females in this way and having them get it, that it took me a while to be convinced that this type of communication simply doesn't work with everyone, and especially not my husband.

I'm asking the same thing Lindsay did: What is it about us lady-creatures that makes us expect to be effortlessly interpreted? That makes us believe subtlety should be enough and they should just know what we need, and how and when?

I really don't know the answer to that question, but what I do know is that I'm glad getting married has taught me how to be more upfront with others about my feelings. Since getting married and realizing my problem, all this glaring, sighing, lip-biting, teeth-grinding, foot-tapping, head-turning stuff has decreased a great deal, and the "childish guessing games," as Lindsay called them, are much less frequent. Although I do still slip back into my mindreading delusions sometimes, and Ryan, like Ben, needs to remind me that they aren't going to suffice, I now communicate with, not just with Ryan, but with other people in my life, a lot more smoothly than I ever have before. And I have a patient husband to thank for it.

Thank you, Ryan. :)

My Bodyguard

2006-03-25T11:59:00.000-06:00

Last night, Ryan and I went to our first concert together. It was part of a Christian outreach event in the Fargo/Moorhead area called PULSE, and featured the bands Vertical Horizon (those guys are talented!), Hawk Nelson (they're punky...kinda like Relient K), and Thousand Foot Krutch (the guys we mainly came to see). Oooooo wee! It was so much fun! Concerts are one of my favorite past-times. When someone asks me, "So, Loni. What are some things you like to do for fun?", "Going to concerts!!!" is always one of my most enthusiastic replies. I love concerts. I love the way the speakers are cranked up so loud your body vibrates, I love dancing around, getting my "rock fist" out, jumping, and singing along (even though I know I look like an idiot sometimes), I love watching the musicians play and wondering what it'd be like to be up there with them (I've always wanted to be in a band. I still do), and I love moshing and shoving people who get in my way.

Hah! You're probably wondering about that last one. I'm a fiesty one. I really am. In her speech at my wedding reception, Anne, my maid-of-honor, called me a "fighter," and when I was in a Self Defense class back at BSU a couple years ago, my instructor would always look directly at me when he instructed the class not to hurt or touch their training partners. It probably sounds terrible, but getting into a full-fledged physical fight with a stranger (like the alliteration there?) has always been a secret desire of mine. I don't want to fight out of a desire to hurt someone else...I just think it'd be loads of fun. I'm probably wrong, but I still wanna try it out sometime. Thus far, shoving strangers around in a concert mosh pit has been the closest I've gotten to this secret desire.

Thousand Foot Kruth plays some pretty hard stuff, so, going into the concert, I was expecting plenty of opportunity for some moshing and shoving. It turned out to be different this time, though. I didn't really have to shove and bash around as much and fend for myself in that deathly pit because Ryan was there.

TANGENT--I just had a thought: It's very appropriate for a group of moshing people to be referred to as a pit because people get all smelly and sweaty in mosh pits, and the lots of the sweat comes from their arm pits. -- END OF TANGENT

Back to what I was saying. All the other times I've been to concerts, I didn't have Ryan present -- I didn't have anyone there who felt responsible for my wellfare, so I had to throw myself into the rowdy pit at my own risk. If I got elbowed, knocked down, or banged up...well...then it'd be my own fault. But because Ryan was there this time, and he felt responsible for protecting me, I didn't really have to watch out for myself that much.

Although I never minded keeping an eye out for myself before ('cuz...like I said, I get some kind of strange pleasure out of shoving people around in those mosh pits), I also didn't mind having Ryan there to do it for me. As a matter of fact, I loved it. The entire length of the concert, I had him right behind me, sometimes gripping me tightly with his arms around me, sometimes with his hands planted firmly on my shoulders, and sometimes with his arms above me as he prevented the occassional crowd surfer from falling down on my head. It was like having my own personal bodyguard or a guardian angel in the flesh.

I don't really know what else to say about the experience, except that it helped me realize how thankful I am that I have someone in my life who cares so much for me, and who makes me feel safe when I'm around him. Although I'm probably gonna want to get a little more wild and rowdy at the next concert we go to, it was really neat to have Ryan do that this time, because it helped demonstrate his commitment to protecting me and keeping me safe.

I love that guy. :)

I've got a question for you.

2006-03-23T18:23:00.000-06:00

Do you ever wear something of someone's because you miss them and want it to feel like they're close by? For example, do you ever wear an article of clothing that belongs to your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife when they go away for a long period of time?

I do that sometimes. I wear Ryan's BSU sweatshirts to school even though they're humongous on me and make me look like a little girl. And you know what else? When he had that long stint of night shifts, I also put on his deodorant when I went to bed, so I could trick my senses into believing he was sleeping next to me.

Is that weird, or can you relate?

Mind-Reading

2006-03-22T16:49:00.000-06:00

My dear friend and fellow young newlywed, Lindsay, recently added a post entitled "mind-reading" to her blog. Because the post applies so much to the things I write about on this blog, and because I can really relate to what she says in it, I've asked her permission to feature it on my blog. Here it is. Enjoy!

*****

mind-reading
by Lindsay

The best bit of wisdom I've received since being married is something I've heard twice from the same woman at church (and she wasn't even talking to me, but to a Sunday School class). She said:

Your husband is a great man, but he can't read your mind.

Such an important thing to remember. What is it about us lady-creatures that makes us expect to be effortlessly interpreted? That makes us believe subtlety should be enough and they should just know what we need, and how and when? But so many of us have that unconscious expectation, my(dumb)self included. I've actually had to work at vocalizing my expectations, wants, fears, or general thoughts...because Ben does not know what I am thinking unless I tell him!

Thankfully, Ben heard that woman's advice, too. He laughs at its truthfulness and when I'm being elusive, he'll scrunch up his face and say, "Okay, I'm trying really hard to read your mind right now." Or he'll look me in the face and say, "Please give me more than a subtle clue. Just tell me what you want."

And it helps. It helps both of us. I don't sit there and stupidly stew inside because he didn't do something or say something, and he's not frustrated by childish guessing games. It's a much nicer way to communicate.

Van Update

2006-03-21T19:43:00.000-06:00

Hah! Perhaps you're getting sick of all of this "van/city bus" business, but it is definitely material that applies to my"highs and lows" as a young newlywed. Yep.

Well, all I've got to say right now is that Ryan's little brother, Blake, is awesome. We thought the van was done for, and he's proven us wrong. I don't know exactly what he did or what parts he had to get, but the little auto mechanic fixed our beloved van. Well...he's almost gotten it fixed, and I should be roarin' down the streets with it again soon (the thing's loud.)

Three cheers for Blake and a thank-you check. (How could we not pay the kid? He spent over 20 hours workin' on that thing, and we didn't even ask him to.)

:) I married into a good family.

Me and My Hubby-Bubby

2006-03-21T19:22:00.000-06:00

Married People Clothes

2006-03-20T10:11:00.000-06:00

Remember the post I wrote about double-dating with other married couples? Well, in that post, I mentioned that Ryan and I have been getting together off and on with another young couple -- I'll call their names "Mark" and "Holly." Because both our husbands were busy all weekend, Holly and I got together to do some shopping at the West Acres mall this past Saturday afternoon. On our shopping trip, I noticed 2 things:

1) That it's frustrating shopping with someone you don't know that well, 'cuz you can't just pick up any old thing and sarcastically joke, "This is really pretty (*wink wink*), isn't it? I think I'm gonna buy this," 'cuz the other person may actually think the thing's pretty! You know what I'm talking about? Boy, it's tough! I had a really hard time holding my tongue throughout the trip, 'cuz I spotted quite a few ridiculous-looking items. Hah. I did slip once, though, and I came dangerously close to humiliating both Holly and myself. You know what I did? I pointed out a dress out Herberger's, and was about to make fun of it, when Holly suddenly exclaimed, "Oh!! That's the dress I told my mom to buy for my brother's wedding!!!"

Oh my goodness! I'm so glad she spoke before I did. *Cringe*

Oh yeah...I was telling you I noticed two things while on the shopping trip. The 2nd thing I noticed was:

2) That some people feel the need to dress differently than they used to just because they've gotten married.

While we were shopping in Eddie Bauer, Holly slapped a pair of khaki shorts on display, sighed in frustration, and said something to to the effect of, "It's really hard for me to find clothes now that I'm married. I don't wanna buy stuff that a middle-aged woman would wear, but I also don't wanna buy stuff that would make me look less mature -- you know, like stuff I would've worn before I got married."

Huh?

I smiled and nodded vaguely at her, even though I was at that very moment carrying a bag that contained a tie-dyed T-shirt and another one with palm trees on it that read, "The Beautiful Isle of Somewhere."

Was there some unspoken rule she was following that I didn't know about? Was there some unspoken rule stating that, once a woman got married, no matter what her age, that she had to upgrade her wardrobe to a more mature, more womanly level?

I'll admit that I've seen traces of this "rule" before. For example, when I got a funky-looking purse (which was very "me," by the way) for Christmas this year, one of my sisters crinkled her nose at it and observed, "That doesn't look like a purse a married woman would have."

My response to her?

"Well, it is a purse a married person would have, 'cuz I'm a married person, and I like it."

And I was tempted to top off my defensive reply with a greeting from my tongue and a sassy "So there!"

Yeah...it was pretty immature of me, but really, I just couldn't (and still can't) understand why people expect others to start dressing differently just because they've gotten married.

Sure, I may be a "Mrs." instead of a "Miss" now, but I'm still Loni, and Loni likes to carry funky purses, wear funky jewelry, and wear thrift store T-shirts, jeans with holes in the legs, and colorful, unprofessional Puma shoes. I can understand why someone would need to change some of their wardrobe when starting a new job, but I'm not starting a new job! I'm a college student, and I spent most of my time either at class, home, or at my part-time job in a dank and dirty ole' warehouse, so why should I be expected to buy a bunch of prim and proper "married people" clothes? Huh? Huh?

Whew! Breathe, Loni, breathe. ;)

You can probably tell this whole thing really miffs me, can't you? I don't know...I just don't understand why some people think that, just because a person gets married, they automatically need to go from wearing these to these.

Holly may be ready and completely comfortable with making the transition from youthful to more mature-looking clothes (she will be starting her professional career soon, after all), which is just fine, but I, on the other hand, am not ready to make that switch. I may be a wife now with more responsibilites and more reasons to behave maturely, but being a wife doesn't necessarily mean I need to start dressing more maturely. I'm still in my early twenties, and I'm not prepared yet to trade in my wrinkled, fraying jeans for a pair of crisp, well-ironed khakis -- no siree. So I'm gonna keep right on wearing those dirty jeans, those thrift store T-shirts, and those colorful shoes of mine, and I'm gonna wear 'em proudly!

So there. :)

The Nest

2006-03-18T18:44:00.000-06:00

Yoohoo!

I just found a really cool website for newly married people. It's called The Nest and is sort of an off-shoot website from the famous wedding website, The Knot.

I highly recommend it! So go check it out!!!

Lauren's Response to Anon

2006-03-13T12:53:00.000-06:00

Hey there. Way back when on March 3rd, I wrote a post entitled Response to Anon (Why am I always referring back to my posts? I've just become aware of this pattern...) in which I responded to the following comment an anonymous person had posted on my blog:

"I love the blog -- it's very interesting to read about all those little things that one experiences during the first year of marriage. Great job! Now, without trying to be nosy or vulgar, I am curious as to the role that sex plays when it comes to the decision of when to marry. Many of the people who I know who married young (in my opinion, "young" is when you are under 21, but I realize people have different perspectives) were people who were waiting until marriage to have sex. I wonder if that decision expedites the marriage process. Just a thought..."

In response to my response to Anon (Ha! Gettin' a little tongue-tied here), another young and newly married blogger, Lauren, wrote a comment that gives a little peek into her own life, and that proves just what a huge array of reasons there are out there for people to choose to tie the knot at a young age. I've asked her permission to post her comment to the blog, and she's so graciously granted it to me. Here's what Lauren had to say:

"I thought I may offer something to Anon, too. (this turned out way longer than I had planned, sorry) I have been happily married for almost 2 years now. I'm 22 now; I was 20 when we tied the knot. He is 24 now; He was 23 then. I was still in school working on my B.S. then and he was/is in the Army. Sex did NOT play a role in why we got married so young. Noah (the husband) and I have dated since I was about 13 years old. Yeah... young. When college came for me and we were still together we began to talk seriously about our future and figured we would get engaged when I graduated and marry a year later. Then he joined the military and things started to change. 9-11 changed things and so as soon as Noah was out of basic training, talk started about when (not "if") he would deploy overseas. He left for training in March of 2004 and suprised me with a ring and proposal -- he really wanted to get engaged before he deployed (still not knowing when that would be). It was only about 2.5 months later that we got news that his company was heading to Iraq the following September, and Noah and I decided to get married before he left. (Spouses have more rights of information than do girlfriends/fiancees in the military and also being married he can get out of barracks housing so we could be together.) We were married the summer of 2004. It was about 2 years earlier than we were expecting to marry, but we were (are) in love and had planned on it already but were just waiting for the right time. Sometimes the "right time" is not when YOU think the "right time" will be, but rather it just presents itself. He ended up being transferred to another company before that one went to Iraq. He dodged that bullet and we ended up living in different parts of the country for the first 11 mos. we were married. As of yesterday, he is deployed to Afghainstan for 12-18 months. It's been a wild ride."

Interesting story, eh? And I thought my newly married life was hectic! If you're someone who married young (no matter how hold you may be now) and would like to share your own personal story of why you married young, feel free to post a comment and I'll post it to the blog.

Roll With It

2006-03-13T12:19:00.000-06:00

After re-reading that City Bus post and checking out the comments I received on it, I feel compelled to say that I was being a little bit too dramatic in that post. There really is a part of me that gets a little freaked at the thought of riding the bus, but overall, I'm honestly not that worried about it. I'm ready for anything. Life really is a lot of fun right now, and all of the different twists and turns it's taking me on really are an adventure, and there's something to learn from every experience...

I honestly don't know yet if I'm gonna wind up having to ride the bus or not -- my husband just grabbed the schedule just in case -- but yeah...even if I do need to start riding it, I'll just roll with it, and probably have a bunch of fun doing so.

The City Bus

2006-03-09T18:59:00.000-06:00

In my One Vehicle Dilemma post, I talked about my car dying and our dilemma of finding a new one for me. I also said I'd let you guys in on any "developments."

Well...I've got one, but I'm not sure I like it!!!! A couple of days ago, I found a city bus schedule sitting on the kitchen table. NOOOOOooOOOOOoooOOOOOooOOOOOO! Hah. I know I'm being dramatic, but I really don't wanna ride the bus! I don't think I'm "too good" for it or anything...I just like to go where I want to go when I want to go. Did that make sense? Probably not. I'll try again: I want to be able to come and go as I please, and I don't want to have to sit and wait until the bus is available to take me places. I know, I know! I'm probably sounding snooty, but I'm just being honest.

So far, Ryan's parents are still letting us borrow their Suburban, and I am SO stinkin' grateful! Time's a-tickin', though, and I don't think they'll let us keep it for much longer.

I wanna go into the kitchen, tear that bus schedule up, and throw it away, but I know it's not gonna make the whole bus option disappear.

*Wimper*

Double Dating

2006-03-08T14:35:00.000-06:00

I'm not gonna lie. I used to get kinda annoyed when I saw married couples doing things together. I dunno. Something about it just bothered me. I remember thinking, "What are the chances that all four of them get along? What are the chances that both of the wives get along, and both of the husbands do, too?" I figured that somebody in the group had to be bored, and that they were all just forcing their four-person friendship because, well, "that's just what people do when they get married."

I've since realized, though, that it's kind of necessary. I guess necessary is a strong word...I'll just say that it's...helpful. I got married before most of my friends, and so did Ryan, so most of our friends right now are single. I didn't anticipate this, but when I got married, I suddenly found myself feeling isolated. I was going through something in life that none of my friends could relate to, and although I'd been through their experiences before, I suddenly couldn't relate as well anymore to the lives of my single friends. I could remember what it was like being single and waiting, I could remember what it was like having crushes on guys and wondering if they liked me, and I could remember what it was like having a boyfriend, but I could no longer talk with them about those things as though I were still experiencing them, too. It wasn't the same. I could also talk to them about the fun of being married, about all of the new experiences, about the frustrations and hard times, and although they would listen (and I'm thankful for that), they simply couldn't relate to what I was saying because they hadn't experienced those things yet.

I'll admit it was frustrating. I still loved hanging out with my unmarried friends, but it felt that there was suddenly a wall between us that kept us from understanding each other and relating as well to each other as we had before. When I'd get introduced to new people my age who weren't married, I wouldn't tell them I was married. I wasn't ashamed of being married or anything -- I just didn't want to have to deal with that sudden feeling of isolation I got whenever people (who weren't married) found out I was married. I know they probably didn't do it on purpose, and maybe it was all in my head, but it just seemed that when these other young people did find out I was married, they would suddenly back down on me and not even bother getting to know me from that point on because I was at a different stage in life than they were.

Needless to say, I finally came to understand the importance of having other married friends, and I also came to see the value in spending time with other married couples. When you get married, you want to spend time with your spouse, but you also want to spend time with other people you can relate with, so why not do it all at once?

The first time Ryan and I got together with another married couple, it wasn't because we felt pressured by society to conform and do it just because it's what other people have done when they've gotten married -- it was because we were thirsting to spend time with people we could relate to, and we wanted to do it together.

We've gotten together with this couple twice now, and we'll be getting together again tomorrow to eat some supper at a restaurant after Ryan gets off work. I've known both of these people for much of my life, and although we were never the best of friends before and are still striving to get to know each other better now, I really appreciate and enjoy our times together, and I know Ryan does, too. It's just so nice to be able to sit across the table from people and talk about things like joining small groups for married couples at church, and about having children, and how we get so freaked out every time people ask us if we're going to start having kids soon, because we're totally not ready for that responsibility yet. It's just...refreshing. And although we don't always talk about marriage-related things, it's just nice knowing that we could if we wanted to.

According to Nancy C. Anderson in her article, Junk-Food Marriages on gracecentered.com, planning dates with other couples can help strengthen your marriage. She also says that seeing other married couples react to each other and solve their conflicts can help you and your spouse work out your own problems. Although Ryan and I haven't really had an opportunity to learn from our other married friends' marital conflicts, I can definitely see how this could be yet another perk of "double-dating" with other married couples.

Well...I guess that's all I've really got to say on this topic for now. If anyone has any other comments or thoughts to add, be my guest! Maybe I'll fill y'all in on our up-and-coming double-date...we'll see.

Ciao for now!

I'm Pumped!

2006-03-08T09:20:00.000-06:00

Yay!

I'm so pumped about something right now that I feel inspired to write a little post about it. One of the main hopes I had for I Married You at Twenty-Two last month was that it would turn into something of a "meeting place" for other newly married bloggers. Thanks to visits and comments from people like Lindsay, Lauren, and Jilb (Thank you, ladies!), the blog really seems to be going in that direction, and I'm absolutely thrilled! It has been so fun and so nice receiving advice, encouragement, and support from people who are going through similar experiences in life.

I'd also like to give a little shout out to people (I'm talking about you, lovely Sharon!) who have "been there, done that" and so freely offer their insight to this blog.

Oh yeah, and I can't forget people like you, Anon, who have spurred on some interesting discussions!

Thanks everyone! You've got me in a lovely, lovely mood today!

Missing Girl Time

2006-03-06T12:28:00.000-06:00

I miss spending time with girls.

Don't get me wrong, I love living with Ryan and spending time with him -- I love it. I just...I just really miss hanging out with girl friends.

Ryan is wonderful, but he's what many would call "a man's man." I like that about him, and I think it's pretty hot (he he he), but I'm a girl, and although I enjoy hunting and fishing and learning about cars with him, I also enjoy going shopping, getting my hair done, and having (I hate this term, but I'm gonna use it anyway) "girl time." I cannot have "girl time" with Ryan. It just doesn't work, and if it did, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have married him.

It'd be fun to go out and have "girl time" whenever I felt the urge, but that simply can't be done anymore. When you get married, stuff changes. You can't just spontaneously go out and have fun with your friends whenever you want like you used to, because you've got another person to think about now. You've got someone else who needs your time, and who probably wouldn't be too happy if you just suddenly left them for a movie with your friends. You've got someone you need to make a meal for, you need to need to clean up for, and who you need to be there for when they get home from work.

I'm not saying marriage makes me feel totally tied down or anything, but I've gotta be honest, it does tie a person down a little bit. You can't just go wherever you want whenever you want anymore. If you're gonna go somewhere, you need to tell the other person first. If you want to go out and have some fun with your friends, you need to make plans first (unless you want your spouse getting mad at you or worried about you).

I'm sure Ryan feels the same way I do sometimes. I'm sure he craves his "guy time," where he gets to grunt and fart and make race car noises with the rest of his dirt-track-racing-loving friends (did that make sense?). He's said to me many times that marriage makes him feel less "wild." I don't think he's trying to say that I've tamed him or anything, because I love him the way that he is, but I do think he misses being able to run free and do whatever he wants sometimes like I do.

Despite his "wildness" and my missing "girl time," though, we both agree that our decision to get married was one of thee best decisions of our lives. We strongly believe the perks of being married far outweigh the advantages of...well...not being married. We don't regret marrying young and cutting off years of some of our independent and free time...we just miss it sometimes, and I think that's normal.

Switcheroo? Update

2006-03-05T18:57:00.000-06:00

In the Switcheroo? post I wrote not too long ago, I promised to "let y'all know" when Ryan and I decided whether or not we were gonna move out of our apartment and into that new building our apartment manager told us about. (If you want this post to make sense, you'll probably have to read the Switcheroo? post.)

Well, we've come to a decision: We're staying put.

Yeahh...Although we had really been itchin' to get out of this building and had been jumping-up-and-down excited about our manager's offer, we eventually had to put our emotions and our impatience to get outta here on the shelf in order to look at the situation more critically.

...And it's a good thing we did, because when we really thought about it, we came up with a lot of good reasons not to move there.

First of all, some of the biggest problems we have with our current apartment stem from our manager and her poor managerial skills. Sure, she's a nice lady, but we've been living here for six months, and she still hasn't done anything to fix some of the major problems we informed her of when we moved in. (She hasn't called anybody in to fix our door so it closes properly, she hasn't called anybody in to fix the light fixture in our second bedroom...) Anyway, if we were to move, we'd be moving into a new building managed by the same woman, which means we'd most likely wind up running into a lot of the same problems we have with the apartment we currently live in...And that, my friends, would not be good.

Secondly, although the new apartment building does have a security system and does have garages, it doesn't have the one other feature we were hoping to have in the next apartment we moved to -- a balcony. We really wanted a balcony to put some chairs and a grill on, and to sit out on in the summer and relax on, and we figured that if we waited to look for a new apartment once our lease ends this coming August, we'd probably be able to find one with all three features. In our opinion, a balcony's worth the wait.

Why else did we choose not to move into that place? Oh yes...because it's on the south side of the city -- the busy, loud, crowded side. Ryan and I like some excitement sometimes, but we'd much rather live somewhere peaceful. A quiet atmosphere helps me to get my homework done, and it helps Ryan get the sleep he needs for his job. We're on the north side of the city now, and we'd like to keep it that way.

Those are pretty much the main reasons we chose to stay here and stick it out until August.
Besides, there are some good things about this place-- it's quiet, it's on the north side, it's pretty spacious, it's next to a bike trail, it's in the middle of a friendly neighborhood, it's close to the grocery store and a movie store, it's not too far from where I work and where I go to school...

We've just gotta keep focusing on the positives and we'll be okay. :)

Response to Anon

2006-03-03T08:41:00.000-06:00

In response to my Interview With an Engaged Female Friend, an anonymous person posted the following comment:

I love the blog -- it's very interesting to read about all those little things that one experiences during the first year of marriage. Great job! Now, without trying to be nosy or vulgar, I am curious as to the role that sex plays when it comes to the decision of when to marry. Many of the people who I know who married young (in my opinion, "young" is when you are under 21, but I realize people have different perspectives) were people who were waiting until marriage to have sex. I wonder if that decision expedites the marriage process. Just a thought...

First of all, Anon (I'm gonna call you "Anon" for short), thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts on this blog. I'd be happy to offer my own thoughts now, in return.

Although I can't speak for others like "Ashley" and "Kevin," I can tell you that yes, sex did play a role in me and my husband's decision of when to marry. We were both virgins before marrying, and because we both viewed sex as something very personal and sacred, we decided to save that experience to share with whomever we married.

I'm not saying that sex was the only reason Ryan and I decided to marry sooner than later. We both knew we were going to get married one day, and we eventually just figured that if we knew we were getting married,why torture ourselves waiting? Because we lived in different cities, it was torturous for us to have to wait, wait, wait for the day we could finally be together and see each other on a daily basis. And I'm not gonna lie -- we wanted to have sex. We knew, though, that we were going to save that level of intimacy for marriage. Instead of "burning with passion for one another," as some people say, we made a decision to eliminate that temptation through marrying.

I guess I'm saying that, although the desire to have sex wasn't thee sole reason Ryan and I decided to marry while we were young and I was still in school, it definitely did expedite the marriage process...And I also strongly believe it hurries the process along for other couples in similar situations.

Now, for the question of what defines a "young" married person...This question has already been brought up a couple of times on this blog -- first with you, Anon, and then with "Kevin" in the last response of his interview, so I feel it's important that I state my own opinion to clear up any confusion. (I apologize for not already having done so already!)

I derived my own personal opinion of the age at which someone is a "young" married person from looking at men and women's average ages at first marriage in the world and also in the United States specifically. According to the Age at First Marriage page on wikipedia.com (the page was last modified 10:27, 1 March 2006), the current average ages at first marriage in the world are 28.7 years for men, and 26.8 years for women. The average age for women in the United States to first marry is currently 25 years, and for men, it is 26 years.

Taking these facts into consideration, I've decided, that for this blog, "young" married women are 24 years old or younger, and "young" married men are 25 years old or younger, because they are below the average ages at first marriage in the United States.

Thank you for inspiring this post, Anon, and I hope it helped answer your questions!

Here are some related links:

The Past, Present, and Future of Marriage -- A great article from Tiger Weekly on trends in men and women's ages at first marriage in the United States, and on some of the factors that affect men and women's decisions of when to marry.

True Love Waits -- A webpage that helps to reflect my personal decision to save sex for marriage.

Interview with an Engaged Male Friend

2006-03-02T11:32:00.000-06:00

A couple of days ago, I posted my Interview with an Engaged Female Friend. Today, I'm posting the male's responses (I've decided to call him "Kevin") to the same set of interview questions. I found it incredibly interesting to see how each of them approached the interview, and, being a female, I also found it fascinating to get a male's perspective on such queries.

1. When is your wedding day and how old will you be on that day?
Ashley’s and my wedding will be August 5, 2006. I will, at that time, be 21 years old.

2. Growing up, did you expect that you would marry this young?
No. Growing up I tried to not think about marriage.

3. Do you anticipate that there will be pros and cons to marrying young? If so, what are some examples of those pros and cons?
There will most definitely be pros and cons to marrying young. A prominent pro in my mind would be that I would spend “the best part of my life” with Ashley. Why would I give her anything less? A major con would be our being strapped for cash for a couple to several years.

4. What part of marriage are you most looking forward to?
Living with Ashley and spending more time with her.

5. Will you be attending school as a married person? If so, what for and how long? I will be attending school as a married student for a significant amount of time, probably for 4-6 years.

6. Do you anticipate that this (attending school while married) could cause any strain on your new marriage? If so, please explain how.
I would be surprised if it didn’t cause any strain. School will take a significant amount of time away from Ashley, and, if I work, that will add additional stress.

7. Do you have friends who are also young and newly married or engaged? If so, does their company encourage you in any way?
That depends on how loosely we’re using the term friend and at what point someone is considered no longer young. Regardless, actually, I don’t have anyone like that who I draw encouragement from.

Thank you also, "Kevin," for your insight and cooperation! Once again, I wish both "Ashley" and "Kevin" a life lived happily every after!

One Vehicle Dilemma

2006-03-01T18:00:00.000-06:00

Before I post the male's responses to the interview questions I prepared, I'd like to draw out and comment upon something that the female mentioned in one of her responses. (If you're reading this and are feeling way confused, check out my previous post entitled Interview With an Engaged Female Friend.

In her response to question six, "Ashley" mentioned that she and her husband will only be having one vehicle when they get married this August, and that she's a bit worried about how this will work out with their busy schedules.

This is something I've been feeling apprehensive about lately, too, as the vehicle I'd been driving up until now suddenly went kaput on me last week. The thing's dead. Done with. It was a big, brown, ugly-looking conversion van, but it got me around. I had been afraid to drive it at first, especially in the big city I moved to after getting married (I'm from a small town), but I was starting to get used to it. I was starting to actually enjoy driving around in that big lug. I guess I even started to become proud of the thing.

Well, anyway, it's dead now, and I am left without a vehicle. Even if our schedules could allow me and Ryan to share the one vehicle we're left with, it wouldn't work for me, because it's a stick shift, and I am definitely not adept at driving one of those.

I am so thankful that my husband's parents are letting me borrow their Suburban, because if they weren't, I don't have a clue how I'd be getting to school and work right now. By taking the bus? Oooh. I don't think I'd like that much. Not much at all.

We can't use their vehicle forever, though, so we're kinda scrambling to find a used car for me. We weren't planning on getting me a car until we were more financially stable and could actually afford it, but now we pretty much have to get one, which means we have to take out a loan. Bleck!!! We really didn't want to take out a loan.

Ah well...I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. God's taken such good care of us up 'til this point, and I'm confident He'll continue to provide for us.

I'll let you know how this saga pans out. For now, I'll just keep driving that nice Suburban and enjoy the fact that, unlike the brown van, it actually has a radio and CD player. And I'll continue to drive carefully. Boy...wouldn't that be awful if I got his parent's vehicle into a wreck? Eeee!

Interview with an Enganged Female Friend

2006-02-28T22:22:00.000-06:00

To mix things up a bit for I Married You at Twenty-Two, I decided to interview a young engaged couple that I know. I've been curious to know some of their expectations for young married life, and I figured it was high time I got some other people's perspectives on this blog.

I asked both the female and the male (I've changed their names to Ashley and Kevin) the same set of questions. Today, I'm posting "Ashley's" responses to the questions. I think her responses really help to highlight some of specific challenges many young and newly married couples are experiencing today, such as finances, busy schedules, and disapproval from those who who look down upon marrying young. Also, on a more positive note, I feel that the things she has to say also help to emphasize one of the most special things about any marriage --companionship.

I suppose I should get to the interview and let you assess her responses for yourselves, huh? Well, here it is:

1. When is your wedding day and how old will you be on that day?
August 5th, 2006 and I will be 20 yrs. old.

2. Growing up, did you expect that you would marry this young?
Ummm...I guess I never thought about how old I would be when I got married…I always wanted to have kids young, so I guess marrying young was fine with me! Plus, I don’t think 20 is that young…

3. Do you anticipate that there will be pros and cons to marrying young? If so, what are some examples of those pros and cons?
Yes. I haven’t had experience on my own or anything, so that’s a con for most people, though personally, I would rather have companionship at all times, so it’s a pro for me! Also I don’t feel like I’ve had financial experience, so I think bill-paying will be difficult…insurance, etc.; I don’t know anything about that stuff. Also, more often than not, I feel like people look down on me because I’m marrying “young,” so that’s just really annoying.

Pros…definitely, again, companionship. I’ve always itched to be a housewife…I really enjoy cooking/cleaning and such, so it’ll be nice to be with someone who appreciates it. As far as age specifically goes….ehhhh I can’t really think of many pros I guess, besides that fact that we love each other very much and are both physically and emotionally ready to be married!

4. What part of marriage are you most looking forward to?
Getting to see Kevin everyday. If not during the day, at least I’ll get to see him at night.

5. Will you be attending school as a married person? If so, what for and how long? Yes. I will be a grad student in Speech-Language Pathology for two years post marriage.

6. Do you anticipate that this (attending school while married) could cause any strain on your new marriage? If so, please explain how.
Yes, specifically on my part. I often get stressed out about school…homework, clients, etc., and I’m sure I’ll vent to Kevin about it a lot, and that will probably get on his nerves after awhile! Of course, being that we’ll have very different schedules, our time spent together will probably be minimal….which is why I’m excited to marry him so I’ll at least get to talk to/see him at night! Also, schooling is expensive, so that will put a strain on our financial situation, but we’re expecting that. Finally, we’ll only have one vehicle, so someone is going to have to spend a lot of time at school during the day until they have a sufficient amount of time to walk home, or the one with the car can give them a ride.

7. Do you have friends who are also young and newly married or engaged? If so, does their company encourage you in any way?
Ummmm...I don’t know if I’d call the ones I see/am closer to on a regular basis “young” necessarily. I do have one good friend who’s engaged and I do enjoy being around her, and yes, it does give me comfort I guess.

Thank you, "Ashley," for your cooperation and insight! Best wishes on your forthcoming marriage!

Readers: If you would like to comment on any of the above responses, then by all means, go ahead and comment! :)

Thank yous

2006-02-27T10:44:00.000-06:00

Two things happened yesterday that made me cringe:

My dear friend, Lindsay, sent me a thank-you note in the mail.
I went to my church back home for the second time since I got married back in August.

Why would these seemingly pleasant occurrences make me cringe? Well, let me tell you.

First of all, Lindsay got married 5 months after me, and receiving a thank-you from her told me that's she's getting her thank-yous out before me. Don DON DON!

That's right. As of today, I've officially been married for 6 months (Happy Anniversary to me!) and I still haven't sent out most of my thank-yous. If you don't understand how awful that is, read the first paragraph of this Thank You Etiquette article. Have you read it yet? If you haven, either your opinion of me just went down a few notches, or you're going, "Yes, yes! I know what Loni's talking about! Thank-yous take so dang long to get done!"

I'm hoping for the latter.

Anyway, back to the whole Lindsay thing. Although I'm not one to compete (especially with my close friends!), up until now, I kept telling myself that as long as I had my thank-yous done before Lindsay did hers, I'd be okay. If I got mine done after her, though...well...I couldn't even begin to imagine how ashamed and wretched that'd make me feel.

Although in her note, Lindsay claimed that ours was the very first thank-you she wrote and sent out (and, of course, I believe her), I can't help but hang my head a little in defeat when I look at that cute little card she sent. (Lindsay, if you're reading this, don't get me wrong! It was a beautiful thank-you...probably the nicest one I've ever received!!!)

Oh boy. And then there's the whole going-to-my-church-back-home-for-the-second-time-since-we-got-married thing. Normally, I like going to church and I like seeing people I haven't seen for a while...but because many of these people were guests at our wedding who should have received thank-yous by now, I was afraid to go.

When I walked through those doors and shook hands with the little old lady that gave us pillow cases she did needle-work on, I cringed. When I said hello to the man that wrote us a generous check that helped us through our first few months of marriage, I cringed. Every time I saw someone who came to our wedding and who had given us something, I cringed.

Although they probably weren't all thinking about how rude it was of us to have come to church without getting their thank-yous to them yet, I couldn't help but think that they were. I kept picturing their thoughts as they greeted me and Ryan:

The nerve of those two, coming here like that when they haven't even sent me my thank you!
I want my thank-you! Where is my thank-you?!
They probably aren't even sending me one! Kids these days.
I used to think she was a nice girl, but I don't like her anymore!
It was fine the first time they showed their faces in church without giving me my thank-you, but doing it a second time? NA UH!

I was excited to leave church.

Yeah, I know I was being dramatic, but I do feel badly about not having those thank-yous done yet. Actually, I shouldn't say that they're not done, because they are. They're just not all addressed yet, and I don't want to send them out in chunks, because I don't want some people getting their thank-yous ahead of other people. I can just imagine one sweet old lady who's received her thank-you going up to another sweet old lady who hasn't received her thank-you and going, "Oh, Ethel. I got the nicest thank-you the other day from Loni and Ryan. Did you get yours?" And then tears filling the other old lady's eyes as she replies, "No, Gladys, I haven't. They must not care about me!"

Okay, I know I'm being dramatic again, but really, I'd like to get the whole mass of thank-yous out at once so everyone receives their thank-yous around the same time.

You may wonder, so why haven't she addressed them all yet? Well, my answer to that is I'm busy. I know I could just e-mail my mom and Ryan's mom and ask them for the addresses I'm not sure of, but that would take time. I know thanking these people is important, and we really are thankful for the things they've given us, but I've got assignments that have deadlines, and Ryan has work.

*Sigh* I know I'm just making excuses. Why is it so stinkin'-rinkin' hard to get thank-yous done? What makes people want to put them off, and put them off, and put them off? What makes it such a daunting task?

For me, I'm wondering if it's just that I find it so difficult to make a little card with a few words in it fully convey my gratefulness. I'd rather do it in a different way, like by giving everyone a bear hug, looking them in the eye, and telling them how much their thoughtfulness and generosity means to me. I think Ryan feels the same way, which is why he's taken a long time to act when I've asked him for help with the thank-yous.

Does anyone else out there find writing thank-yous tough, whether it's been for your wedding, showers, graduation, a big party, or whatever? Has anyone else out there taken as long as I have to get their thank-yous sent out? If you've got a story to share, post a comment and let us know.

Switcheroo?

2006-02-23T22:23:00.000-06:00

Near the end of my last post, Choosing a Home, I talked about how my husband and I are having a hard time settling into the apartment we have now, and how we're oh-so-excited to move on and find a better one when our lease is up in 6 months.

Well, I've got an update on that post, and a positive one at that!

Yesterday afternoon while I was at school, our apartment manager stopped by to ask Ryan a question, and he took that opportunity to let her know that we've been looking to move, and would be willing to give up our apartment if anyone wanted to move in at any time in the next 6 months.

Well, the manager told him that there weren't any people currently interested in an apartment here, but that she had other apartments in Fargo and would be willing to let us switch over into one of them at the beginning of March...just like that. (I KNOW!!! That's, like, next week!!!)

Apparently, these apartments are much newer than the one we're in now (we've got a burnt yellow-colored fridge and oven) and, unlike this one, they actually have security systems.

I know -- Whoa! Sounds like a good deal, doesn't it? Ryan and I haven't agreed to the whole switcheroo yet, 'cuz we've still gotta go check this place out, but we're very excited and thankful for the opportunity.

...Isn't it just crazy how this happened on the same day I wrote my "Choosing a Home" post? It just blows my mind.

Anyway, I'll let y'all know what Ryan and I wind up deciding. Just so ya know, we're going out of town to my mom's house for the weekend, so we won't get to go check this place out 'til next week.

Choosing a Home

2006-02-22T22:41:00.000-06:00

A word of the wise to any of you who my be engaged or newly married and searching for the first apartment you and your honeybuns will be sharing together:

Don't settle for something crappy.

I know, I know. Money's tight at this time in your life, and you can't afford to pamper yourself with something spendy and luxurious right now. Before you sign the lease to that dilapidated and dirty old apartment, though, remember that other apartments do exist between the two extremes!

Sure, you may have to spend a little more money on rent than you feel comfortable doing, but let me tell you, it's worth it! Remember, this is your home we're talking about. It's not an icky piece of food you can simply throw away or an ugly outfit you can try on once and leave in your closet for the rest of the year -- it's your dwelling, your base. It's the place you'll depart from when you go to work or school or wherever, and it's the place you'll return to afterwards.

This is one of the more important, semi-permanent choices you'll make as a newly married (or soon-to-be married) couple. Once you sign a 6-month lease or a year-long lease, you're stuck with that place for that long. Don't be afraid to check out a lot of places and ask whoever's showing you those places as many questions as you want. Get a feel for the atmosphere of the apartment -- is it a peaceful place? Is it too loud? Smelly? Are the neighbors friendly? Do you feel safe? Uneasy? Be thorough in your observations. Know specifically what you and your spouse want before checking places out. You don't want to wind up with a living situation as wacky as the characters Alex and Nany had in the movie, Duplex. Be picky, and don't settle for less than you want.

I say these things because Ryan and I are now living in an apartment we can't wait to get out of. It's less expensive than a lot of the apartments in town, and it's in a quiet neighborhood, but we've also got a couple of shady characters living down the hall, a door that doesn't close or lock securely, a broken bedroom light fixture, a carpet that reeked of cat urine when we moved in, blinds on our living room window that don't open, and a washing machine on our floor that we're afraid to put our clothes in.

It's hard to feel at home in a place you're not particularly fond of. It took months for us to put some of the decorations up on our walls and put the effort forth to finally settle in here. We've been living here for half a year now, and we're still working on our attitudes. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that we have a roof over our heads, a warm place to go, and somewhere to sleep at night. We're still looking forward to the day when, six months from now, we can pack up our stuff and high-tail it out of here, though.

With that said, I'd just like to encourage you all to be picky when choosing your first home as husband and wife. You'll want to spend your first married months together enjoying everything, including the home you live in.

Article

2006-02-21T22:16:00.000-06:00

In light of my recent Finding a Church post, I'd like to recommend to y'all an article I just stumbled upon tonight. It's not necessarily about the struggle many new married couples go though in their search for a church (that rhymed!), but it does focus on some of the things a church can do to make newcomers (like new married couples) feel welcome. It's interesting, and I feel it's applicable. To check it out, click this link: Too Many Church Guests Are Ignored.

Happy reading!

Watching You Sleep

2006-02-21T21:14:00.000-06:00

One of the things I really like about Ryan's working night shifts is how I can watch him sleep through the next morning and afternoon.

Okay. That probably sounded really creepy, like I'm gonna kill him in his sleep...Or maybe a little weird, like I'm someone who enjoys boring stuff like watching grass grow. I'm serious, though! Our computer's in our bedroom, and while I'm working on my school work (most of it requires a computer, including this very blog!), I like to turn around and watch my cutie pie recharge. He's stinkin' adorable, and I always have such a tough time restraining my urges to jump on him and squeeze him like he's my giant teddy bear. Man! He just always looks sososososososoSO cute sleeping there. Something about his short dirty-blonde hair, the smell of his Old Spice deodorant, the way his nose looks, and the white T-shirts he sleeps in remind me of a cuddly little baby. Yeah, that probably sounds weird (and I know -- why would a baby smell like Old Spice?), but it just makes me wanna squeeze him all the more.

Not to brag or anything, but Ryan's a strong guy. He's got musclos (that's "muscles" in Spanish, in case ya didn't know), especially in the arms, and there's just something so adorable about watching a tough guy like that sleep like a baby.

Okay, enough about his cuteness and baby-likeness. There are other reasons I like to watch and listen to him sleep, and here they are:

When he's sleeping on his stomach, sometimes he does this funny jump thing in his sleep, where he suddenly pushes his hands down on the mattress and springs himself up like he's doing a push-up. It usually startles me, but it always cracks me up.
Besides working on the computer, my homework also requires a lot of reading, and I love when I can snuggle up in bed next to him and read a book. I don't care if he's sleeping -- there's just something so nice and reassuring about just having him there while I'm doing my school work.
It gives me extra time to stare at his handsome face and rugged stubble (when he has it) and fall even more in love with him.
It allows me to say mean and heartless things to him without him even knowing it.

Ha! JUST KIDDING about that last one. Seriously, though, there are some good sides to Ryan's having to work night shifts. I feel like I've been a little too negative about all that in my posts lately, and I just wanted to let you all know that the night shifts don't make our lives as horrible as I may have made it sound! I guess it was just difficult for me at first -- having a new husband and not even getting to sleep next to him most nights. Women (like this girl) look forward to having a companion to sleep next at night when they get married, and it's a hard thing to let go of.

Although I'm getting used to it all now and am starting to have a more positive outlook, I can't help but jump up and down inside at the thought that Ryan's gonna switch to four months of day shifts in just one more short week. Yesssssss!

I just hope I don't get all down and blue and miss watching him sleep!

Finding a Church

2006-02-20T11:42:00.000-06:00

Last night as I was surfing the web and trying to find other blogs by young and newly married people, I came across one maintained by a 24-year-old girl named Raina. I noticed that, on the "about" page of her blog, Raina spoke briefly of she and her new husband's struggle to find a church together:

"I've been a Christian for about three years. I've been going to a GCM non-denominational church ever since I converted. Right now we're searching for another church that focuses more on inductive bible study than topical stuff. (I.e. a church where the sermon this week is 'Matthew 10:1-4' rather than 'Why you shouldn't steal.')"

Although she didn't go into much detail on their hunt for a church, I identified with her immediately. Ryan and I have been searching for "the right church" ever since we married at the end of August. When we were dating and going to school at Bemidji State, we both loved the church we attended together and were a part of. I'm only realizing (and regretting) now just how much we took the experience for granted.

Finding a new church in a new place is tough. Ryan and I are both looking for the same qualities in a church, and we're still having a tough time. I can hardly imagine how difficult it must be for couples who have different "tastes" in churches and are forced to find a body of believers that strikes a balance. Now, that must be really tough.

First, Ryan and I tried out Bethel Evangelical Free Church in Fargo. It's a great church, with a heart for missions and evangelism, it's involved in the community, and, as Ryan says, the preaching that comes out of it is "pretty on." The only major concern we have about making it our church home is that it's congregation is so stinkin'-rinkin' huge. Na-na-na-na-noooo. I'm not trying to "bad mouth" Bethel, and I think it's wonderful that so many people are a part of it. It's just that Ryan and I are used to smaller church bodies, and we don't like feeling lost in the shuffle. People keep telling us that there are ways to get around the "lost," feeling, though, like getting involved in a small group. My second cousin attends the church with her husband, and she's suggested to me many times that Ryan and I should try out the Young Married Couples group she and her husband are a part of. Ryan and I think the idea of joining a small group like that is great, and we hope to join one someday soon, but we just don't feel that Bethel is the place for us right now.

...So on we went to Fargo First Assembly of God . This is where we're going now. One of the things I find coolest about this church is that it has the words You are Now Entering Your Mission Field painted on the wall above the doors, so people can be reminded of what they're stepping out into when they leave the church building -- Awesome. The church is going through a tough time now, though, as their head pastor recently died of cancer, and since there's really no "head shepherd/representative" of the church right now, it's been difficult for Ryan and I to really get a handle on the church and into its "guts."

Another reason it's been hard for us finding a church to settle into is that Ryan's been working night shifts every other weekend, so on the weekends where he works nights, he doesn't get home 'til after 7 AM on Sunday morning, and he's usually too wiped out to go to church.

I dunno if it's just that Ryan and I haven't been trying hard enough or what. For example, I'm sure there are ways we could get around Ryan's not being able to attend church on some Sunday mornings, like attending evening services...Maybe we just need to make this more of a priority. We both understand that it's extemely important that we get involved in a church and experience fellowship with other believers, so why aren't we doing it? Why aren't we going "whole hog" with this whole thing? Why aren't we raising our hands and taking the visitor pamphlets they hand out at First Assembly every Sunday? Why aren't we going into a room after church and speaking with a representative from the church? I think our main excuses are that we're too busy right now, and that there just isn't a church that compares to the one we went to in Bemidji.

You know what I think? I think we need buckle down, pray hard, and trust that God's gonna give us the wisdom to know which one is right for us.

I think I'm gonna go pray now.

Update: Spaghetti Tip

2006-02-19T20:38:00.000-06:00

I learned something new, and I want to pass it on to all of you.

In my post about making spaghetti for my husband and his family, I talked about not knowing what to do when the spaghetti noodles I had cooked got all clumpy after I strained them. I put butter on them to make them separate at the time, and I didn't like the results. Butter and sauce = gross (in my opinion).

Luckily, my darling friend, Jenna, sent me an e-mail explaining what I should next time the noodles stick. This is what she said:

"If you're making a pasta dish that you later would want to put sauce on such as spaghetti, after you drain the noodles, run hot, hot water all over them. This helps to break down the starch a little bit and makes them less sticky. They'll still stick together a little bit, but not as much as if they weren't rinsed."

Ahhhhh. Thank you, Jenna!

This little bit of advice she gave me may have been obvious to some of you, and some of you may very well be laughing at me for my ignorance, but there may also be some of you out there who are as new to cooking pasta and as clueless as me. I hope this tip helps all who are clueless and inexperienced at cooking avoid my mistake. :)

Have fun cooking for your spouses and others!

Cooking Ideas

2006-02-18T19:35:00.000-06:00

Hey there! Since my last post was focused on cooking, and I know that a lot of young, married people struggle with cooking ideas, I'd like to recommend the following books and links:

Books:

For the childless married couple: Cooking for Two, by Bruce Weinstein and Mark Scarbrough.
For the busy: quick food, by Wendy Steven and Laurel Glen (Editors)
For the clueless: Cooking for Dummies, by Bryan Miller and Marie Rama, and The Absolute Beginner's Cookbook : or, How Long Do I Cook a 3-Minute Egg?, by Jackie Eddy and Eleanor Clark

Links:

A list of How-To's brought to you by Busy Cooks
A week-long list of Cooking for Two menus broght to you by Betty Crocker
More Cooking for Two recipes by Recipe Goldmine

Spaghetti

2006-02-18T18:35:00.000-06:00

The first meal I made for Ryan after we got married was spaghetti, and it turned out so gross that I had to scrape it all straight off my plate and into the garbage. Ryan was too nice to do that, though, so he prayed and thanked the Lord for the wonderful (yeah right!) meal his wife had prepared for him and ate every last mushy noodle on his plate.

Despite his kindness, I felt terrible. I had boiled the noodles for too long, and they had come out of the pot engorged, mushy, and disgustingly limp. I also felt embarrassed, and kept asking myself how I could possibly have messed up something as simple as spaghetti.

I never cooked spaghetti for us again.

I'm sure you can imagine the horror I felt, then, when at Ryan's parent's house this past week, his mother asked me if I'd be so kind as to boil some spaghetti noodles for her while she went into town. The pressure was almost unbearable. I had only been cooking for two people up to this point, and now, not only was I being asked to cook for an entire family, but for an entire family who had never sampled my cooking before! My heart pounded as I filled a pan with water and turned on the burner.

I wanted to make Ryan do it, but he was busy working on a car problem in the garage, so that option was out. I stood in front of the pot the entire time the noodles cooked so no one could walk by and tell me I had put too much water in the pot, or that I hadn't put enough noodles in. When his sister came home from work and stopped in the kitchen to chat with me, I put the lid on the pot and kept hope-hope-hoping she wouldn't lift it. I let out a breath of relief when she announced she was going upstairs to take a quick shower.

I kept lifting hot noodles out of the pot with my spoon and burning my fingers on them as I touched them. I was determined to not let them get mushy this time. When I emptied the noodles out of the pot and strained them, I worried that I had taken them out too soon. When I put them back in the pot and onto the kitchen table, I noticed that they were all sticking together in a big clump, like a spaghetti hair ball. I spread butter over the clump to make them separate, and I worried that his family would be annoyed with me for putting butter on their spaghetti without asking them first.

Eventually, Ryan and his brothers came in from the garage, his parents came home, and we all sat down around the table with my noodles, my mother-in-law's homemade sauce, and my sister-in-law's garlic bread. They all kept thanking me for cooking the noodles before we ate, and I wanted to tell them all to knock it off because they were only emphasizing the fact that I had cooked them, and what if they tasted disgusting???

I gobbled down my spaghetti as fast as I could. It seemed to taste okay, but there were still a lot of noodles sticking together, and I wasn't sure I liked the taste of butter mixed with sauce.

When I finished, I wanted to scurry away from the table and busy myself with a phone call to my mom, or with a visit to the bathroom, but I also wanted to stay, because if I left, I figured I'd be giving them all an opportunity to talk about how disgusting and sticky my spaghetti had turned out. I wound deciding upon the latter, and just sat there, shoveling in piece after piece of his sister's garlic bread to keep me busy. I didn't look much at anyone except Ryan. He filled his plate three times with my noodles, which encouraged me a little.

I don't know...there's just something about cooking for people as a new wife that makes me feel so insecure. My mom didn't teach me a lot about cooking growing up, so, as many women do, I tried to teach myself as much as I could before getting married. Just as it's common for many men to feel the pressure to provide for their wives and protect them when they get married, I also believe it's common for women to feel pressured to provide for their husband's nutritional and physical needs through cooking.

Although I don't have as much time to cook as I'd like right now, I think I'm slowly getting better at it. I know the only way I'm going to improve is through practicing my cooking on other people, like my husband and his family. I just wish this whole "practicing" stage would be less nerve-wrecking!

Ohhh well. I guess I've just gotta suck it up and keep plugging along. For any other young wives, husbands, or whoever out there who would like a new recipe to practice their cooking skills on, here's one my friend's mother recently passed on to me. (I haven't tried it yet, but I hear it's really delicious!):

AMY’s BAKED CHICKEN
(Amy Small/Donna, Feb 2006)

Ingredients
· 1 to 1-1/2 cups crushed corn flakes
· 1 packet dry Ranch salad dressing mix
· ¼ - 1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese (more if you like)
· 1 stick butter, melted
· 2-4 lbs skinless, boneless chicken parts (breasts and/or thighs)

Method
· Stir together first 3 (dry) ingredients in a large, flat bowl or pan.
· Melt butter in a large, flat bowl or pie tin.
· Rinse chicken and dip each piece first in the melted butter, then in dry ingredient mixture, being sure to coat all sides well.
· Place crumb-coated chicken on Pam-sprayed 9x13 pan or broiler (drip) pan.
· Sprinkle chicken with any remaining crumb mixture; dispose of extra butter.
· Bake at 350° for 1 hour, or until chicken is juicy and done throughout.
· Yummy!!

Crying Together

2006-02-17T19:33:00.000-06:00

Today, for the first time since we've been married (and actually for the first time ever), Ryan and I cried together.

We were lying down in bed to squeeze in some cuddle-time before he had to leave for work, and he must've noticed that I looked sad. "Are you okay, honey?" he asked, and he put his arms around me. I looked away, because I knew if I looked him in the eyes, I'd lose it. I'd been crying enough lately, and I didn't want to do it again.

"Honey," he repeated, "You don't look okay. What's wrong?" His voice was soft as sincere, which made it even more difficult for me to pretend I was fine.

"I'm fine," I answered. I tried to be playful, and used one of fingers to play with his bottom lip, as I often do when I'm teasing him. He didn't buy it.

"Honey?" he asked. "Do you want to cry?"

"I'm fine." I kept playing with his lip. Just because I felt like crying, it didn't mean I wanted to. He had asked the wrong question.

"Loni," he persisted, "Do you want to cry?" He gently pulled my hand away and whispered, "It's okay to cry, honey. Do you want to?"

"Why do you keep asking me that?" I demanded through warm tears.

"Because I want to cry, too," he answered in a choked voice. Seconds before he put his face in his hands, he looked at me with wet, blue eyes.

I hugged him, and we put our heads on each other's shoulders and rubbed each other's backs until both our tears were gone.

I could go into detail as to why we were each crying and the conversation that we had afterwards, but I think I've already written all that I want to in this post. I hope I've been able to capture the beauty, the importance, and the sadness of the moment, because that's what I'll want to remember when I look back at our first time crying together.

Valentine's Day

2006-02-15T21:44:00.000-06:00

Our first Valentine's Day as a married couple has officially come and gone. Although nothing "big" or unusual happened, the day was made up of a series of little events that I believe offer a good picture of the kind of relationship my husband and I have right now at this point in our marriage.

Event #1: Instead of giving me a card or a bouquet of roses, Ryan wrote me a short-but-sincere letter. He didn't try to dress it up by drawing hearts on the paper or by using fancy writing, he just put pen to notebook paper and wrote from his heart. At the bottom of the note, he wrote, "You can get your hair done again, whenever and wherever you want."

The unflashy-yet-heartfelt note he gave me and the simple-yet-practical gift of a hair appointment he promised me may seem unromantic to some, but they were gifts that meant a lot to me, and that I believe a basic gist of who we are as a couple and how we show our love for each other: We're practical people, and our approach to loving each other is very cut-and-dry in that we show it in straight-forward, simple ways. We don't have a lot of money right now to buy each other flashy or expensive gifts, so we're forced to offer each other raw love...no garnish, no lacy ribbons on the side...just simple, pure love. I'm thankful it's that way right now.

Event #2: When Ryan opened up a box of conversation hearts and I asked him to give me one that had a lot of meaning to it, he smiled and pressed a green heart in my palm. Know what it said? "Magic."

Yeah -- "Magic." There's no secret meaning behind the word, no inside joke, no romantic innuendo...nothing. Zilch. And that's why I shook my head and burst out laughing as soon as I read what it said. I asked him to give me a heart with a romantic and meaningful message on it, and he gave the the weirdest, most ambiguous one in the box. I think this event just helps to illustrate that Ryan and I see each other not only husband and wife, but also as good friends who like to laugh with each other, even if it's at stupid, simple things. Although we were friends before we got married, I believe that living together and spending most of our down time with each other is helping us develope our friendship even more. It's really fun to watch it happen.

Event #3: We went to Denny's for our Valentine's supper.

I guess this event just reinforces the idea that Ryan and I are simple, practical people who don't have a lot of money. (*Wink*.) We could've made reservations, dressed up, and gone somewhere fancy, but instead we chose to go to Denny's 'cuz we enjoy the food, the service, and the atmosphere. Ryan likes the place because it serves breakfast at suppertime, I like the place 'cuz they've got good appetizers and the servers are quick to refill my pop. We knew we'd enjoy ourselves and be able to have a good, relaxed conversation, so we went there. End of story.

Although some would cry at the thought of having a Valentine's Day like the one I just described, I really had a great day, and I know Ryan did, too. I'm curious to see if the way we spend Valentine's Day next year parallels our relationship with each other in that point of our marriage as well as it did at this point. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Spending Time

2006-02-14T13:39:00.000-06:00

You know what I decided last night?

I decided that I'm not going to my evening class tonight. I'm---don don DON--skipping. It was a very difficult decision for me to make, and although it may sound odd, it was also a very important decision.

I'm the type o' girl who gets way, way, way too preoccupied with school. I spend tons of time on homework. I don't really know if it's because I'm a very thorough and conscientious person, or because if it's because it just plain old takes me longer to finish assignments than most people, but when I'm in school, homework is what occupies most of my time. Some people will look back on their high school and college years and think, "Man, those were the days...havin' fun, hangin' out with friends...I don't even remember the homework." Well, let me just say right now that I'm not one of those people. When I'm older and have long been out of school, I'm gonna look back on it all and probably think, "Man, those were tough days...seems like I was doing homework 24/7. I'm glad they're over."

Yeah, it's pretty sad. One of my friends back at BSU even calls me "the homework queen." I'm not proud of the nickname, either, and I'm especially not proud of it now that I'm a wife. I've been back in school for just a little over a month now, and man...it's tough being a married student. I'm learning that I simply can't spend an enormous amount of time on my homework anymore. It would be selfish and wrong, plain and simple. Now that I have a husband (Whom I LOVE! This parenthetical statement is for you, Ryan!), he takes precedence over the school work. It doesn't matter how determined I may have been to maintain my 4.0 in the past, and it doesn't matter how strong my desire may be to keep getting those A's now. Ryan is the priority. I'm married to him now, not my homework. (And thank God for that! Who'd want to be married to a Creative Writing assignment, anyway? Is that even legal?).

Although it's been difficult putting academics on the back burner (or at least doing my best to), I know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing. No matter how much I may feel the need to go to that class tonight, or how nervous the idea of missing it makes me feel, maintaining a strong, loving relationship with my husband is still so much more important to me than either of those things. I'm not necessarily even skipping class today because it's our first Valentine's Day together as a married couple -- I'm skipping it because we love each other, and we need to take time out of our busy schedules to spend together.

I've heard many people say that the first year of marriage is the most crucial time for a couple, and I'm not about to mess it up by being overly preoccupied with school. I've let school work gobble up more than it's fair share of my time by now, anyway...and there's no way in heck it's gonna start consuming my husband's share of it. No way.

It is my hope, that years from now, I'll be able to look back on this year and say the same thing Rob Moll says in his article on family.org:

"It was only after I put down my books that I began to experience the true joys of marriage. When I learned to first love my wife [in my case, my husband], the sacrifices I thought I was making turned out not to be so difficult..."

Ryan and I want our first year of marriage to serve as a strong foundation for all of the other years that will follow, which means we're gonna put our love for each other and for the Lord at the top of the priority list now. Although it's difficult letting go of past time-consumers, I understand that it's so important to do so. I guess I'm just thankful we've chosen to be disciplined and determined enough as a couple to do it now instead of thirty years down the road...

It feels so good to make a stand for something with my husband -- for our relationships with each other and with God -- and I although I realize it'll be hard at times (whether it requires taking a day off of work, skipping a class, turning down an invitation to go to a buddy's, or whatever), I know it's only going to make us stronger as a couple.

...So off I go to take a stand for my marriage by skipping Writing for Children and Adolescents. Sounds crazy, but I know it's true.

Cheers and Happy Valentine's Day,

Loni

PS -- I don't know why I've decided to end this post as if it were a letter...it just feels somehow appropriate. Bu-bye now.

Home Alone

2006-02-13T20:12:00.000-06:00

This officially marks my first posting on I Married You at Twenty-Two. I am very pumped. I'm not using any exclamation marks, but I'm still pumped.

Anyway, since this blog is basically going to be a record of the experiences and emotions I'm currently going through as a young, newly married woman, I'm just gonna cut right to the chase. Here goes:

Quick inventory: Practically every light in my apartment is switched on right now. I've got the fishtank light on, all the lamps on in the living room (3), the kitchen light on, the light on in the room I'm typing in, the lamp on next to me...heck, I've even got a candle burning in here to add a little extra light. I've also got Jeremy Camp singing out of the cd player sitting next to me to add a little noise, and the Winter Olympics blaring out of the TV in the living room.

Yep, you guessed it--I'm home alone tonight. Ryan's working another 12-hr shift, and although I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, having the TV and cd player on make me feel like I have company. It's kind of funny -- sometimes when I'm alone and doing homework, I'll turn the TV on, but mute the volume. Noise is distracting to me when I'm thinking, but just having some movement on the screen -- even if I'm not always looking at it -- kind of tricks me into thinking someone else is there.

I'll admit something else -- I switch on the lights and the noise and the movement because I think I'll get scared if I don't. It sounds so childish, but ohhhhhh I just can't help it! I hate returning from work or school to an empty, dark home. I illuminate the place as quickly and as thoroughly as possible so that if there is some creepy little man trying to hide somewhere in my apartment, he won't be hidden for long. Another reason I turn the TV and music on is because I don't want to get freaked out by any little creak or drip I may hear -- I don't want to psyche myself out.

Yeah, I know my habits aren't helping the electricity bill, and I'm so thankful to have a husband who understands. Lots of times, when he leaves the apartment and knows I won't be back until dark, he'll leave a couple of lights on just so I'll feel less lonely when I come home. He's such a sweetheart.

Yep, I'm definately learning some of the challenges of being a young wife who has a pretty darn opposite schedule from her husband's. The one I'm learning now = it stinks to be alone. Oh well...I guess it's teaching me to trust the Lord in every situation, and to really believe that He's with me no matter what. I'm kind of hoping that one of these days, I'll be okay not having all of the lights on, and feel comfortable and secure without the aid of a radio or a TV.

I'll let you know as soon as that day comes. (Hopefully it will!)